Chances Are

Its pouring cats and dogs outside and the room’s temps is going lower. The remote is spoilt. Sitting right underneath the air-cond without a jacket, I’m dangerously frostbitten by the degree of coldness.

I went home 5ish this morning. My first after two weeks of super-calm days at work. Grab big breakfast and had ‘em whilst watching Kungfu Panda at home.

I was on my last bite when I stopped and think ‘I’m gonna miss this if I ever call it a day.’

The late-night work.
The lack of sleep.
The very early breakfast.
The smooth traffic.
The balmy weather at midnight.
The bird-chirping and me tucking into bed.

I’ve been spending a good deal of time planning for the after-marriage. Should I quit my lovely work now and finally have the guts to venture into the photography world? Or maybe I could finally realize my family’s dream of opening up a cafe. Or am I gonna end up being a boring housewife? (I doubt MN will let me). A lot of thinking and planning and asking around for opinions. 

This is the biggest turning point in my life.

I have just started to love my work as a copywriter. Advertising teach me hard lessons. At the same time, there’s a few photography offers thrown at me too. I have to pass it over as I'm not able to commit due to my full-time McJob. 

And then there’s marriage. And MN’s new found job with a renowned news agency. At the back of my head is always the Berlin project I’m delaying (the exhibition’s gonna take place this summer). Super, super slammed matters in hand.

We have a lot of things to do, goals to achieve. And more challenges that’s gonna swing by next i.e kids and building up a happy family.

Sometimes, I ask myself - will I be able to cope?

Surprisingly, I’m more than willing to take all the risk. Chances are, I’m gonna make it through. I've been through so much there's nothing I can't take.

At this moment, I just want to switch off the air-cond and make myself some hot cuppa.

Time To Celebrate!

CNY hols have been rather interesting. Spent quality time in bed, catching up with sleep, rest and movie marathon. A damn fun way to waste time especially if you have enough chip supply to last you for days so you dont have to go out and buy.

But of course I did not spend all 24 hours plonking my ass happily at home. Went to a small shopping mall where my brother used to buy his groceries when he was in high school last Saturday. Eka and Nadiah brought me there to show the moroccan lamp I wanted for my wedding. It was cool alright and if all goes well, we’ll have the lamp. Kinda cool to look around for wedding stuff together with your close friends who’s also getting married.

Sunday went up to Cameron Highland with MN and his dad (soon-to-be my dad). His dad is also an avid photographer and a very well-travelled man so we had an amazing time listening to his travel stories. We snapped around and sipped tasteful earl grey by the plantation area. Everything looked so purplish-ly beautiful at sunset. Weather was rather chilly as it rained cats and dogs when we arrived.



We were supposed to hop on the train scheduled at 5am to Tampin the next day but I screwed up the plan on behalf of everyone. Thought roadtrip would be a bad idea this time around. I need to load off and catch some Zs, tempt my body with some massage and good food. I must say - stinky coach, heavy backpack and restless journey was indeed a very very win-over thing for me but I guess I gotta stick to my sine qua non; notice the two big words in one line? That means, my rest is unquestionably needed.

CNY made more than half of the city dead. KL was immobilized and most of my fav places were closed till 2nd. My whole family were out traveling all over the world- sometimes its not a good thing to have a traveling family - and I can’t reach out to my traveling mates either coz they were out..err..traveling.

A phone conversation:

Me- Hello. Awak baru bangun?
Friend: *sounded very sleepy* Err ye.
Me: Oh, maaf. Ingat mahu ajak awak pergi makan seafood. Umbai jom!
Friend: Errrr....saya di London?

Everyone was on hols so what more can I do than to just stay put in a place and watch movie? For someone who as mobile as I am, its pathetic to be so stagnant. MN who felt my anxiety tried to bring me out somewhere on Monday where we ended up in a dead, sleepy, hollow perkampungan orang asli in Hulu Selangor. Honestly, I slept the whole way there and when I woke up I was absolute clueless of the whereabouts. Saw a huge signage saying ‘D’Rasa Seafood’ and since we were hungry we thought why not try the food. The place was descent, built on top of a lake. But i have to say this, if I know where we were from the beginning, I might have a second thought on dining there. Its fine if we were on a road trip and trapped in an unknown place. Its understandable to go hantam anything in the name of surviving but that day it felt totally weird. Or maybe its just a feeling, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of car seat. Anyway, after dinner we head on a few kilometers further and found a damn great spot to watch sunset. The sky was incredibly blue and suddenly the whole world felt spectacularly vast. I sat in the car (kinda scary to go out actually) watching the sky as if twas so near that I could touch the fluffyness of clouds with my bare fingers. Monday has never felt this fantastic, man.



Will be out of town this weekend to scout for my beach wedding in Penang, have a joy ride and eat lots of foooood. 

*pause* 

Sometimes, life is really about this ya know - enjoying every second that goes by without hesitation, knowing when to take control and when to just let loose. Some things we need to see for ourselves. Gotta make our own mistakes and learn from all the damn lessons thrown. Embracing struggle, appreciating small victories. MN reminds me each time - be thankful with whatever we have.

Life can be terribly painful, there's always gonna be surprises popping out from a corner and bite you up in the ass but you just gotta keep on riding, breathe deep and wait for the agony to subside.

And never be in denial. Sooner or later we have to put the mask aside and face the world. So why lie and pretend? To be screwed by truth is the worst of feelings. And to hide from it and blame it on others is another thing, I suppose. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. At some point, you have to make a decision. Well like Grey said - ‘At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is a reason enough to celebrate.’ 

Now I can't wait to drown in good food. Maybe can take a quiet stroll by the beach too. 

How Free Is Free?

I finally got the blind rolled up again and let the sun peeking in and smile. One thing that makes a good start for me is the morning light. It reflects hope.

I was talking to a close friend the other day about freedom.

Freedom to do whatever you want to do.
Freedom to feel however you feel it in your heart.
Freedom to write, to photograph, to listen.

Are we free? Are you free?

I remember the famous quote "Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains".

Probably I am. I mean, how can I be, when my mind thinks from the moment I wake up in the morning until I fall asleep at night. No moment of rest. It creates thoughts and also receives thoughts from the outside.

I want to make my mind quiet and enjoy real freedom.

You know the feeling of being tied down to something and not be able to wriggle free? That’s exactly how I feel right now. Break the chain, my friend said.

I’ve been dreaming of my late dad these past few days. The kind of dream that told me I’ve forgotten about him.

I have forgotten about a lot of things, a lot of people.

I realized these during the time I was really sick for three weeks back then. I could count with fingers how many people who were really there for me, been kind enough to send sms-es and asking about my condition. Some even take the effort to visit.

And I realized, those that did, were my friends whom I’ve known long enough to know that friends, no matter how close or far away they are, would always stick to you without asking for anything in return.

Without asking where I have been missing.
Without asking why I have not ring for so long.
Without having to be emotional about the whole concept of having friends.

*pause*

There are people who complained about not having many friends or how friends dumped them etc. These people should know how lucky they are that no matter how few friends they have, this and that, they are still be able to just give a single call and say ‘hey are you free to hang out?’ and meet them.

The only time for me to meet my late dad is in my dreams. And he was my best friend who came to ‘see me’ and told me that I have forgotten of him.

How sucky I am. How lucky are you?

Perhaps, most of the time we only have the idea in our head that we have forgotten or being forgotten.

Gosh, i think too much. I have to be above my own thoughts to enjoy the state of mind. Here I list out forty freedoms (to awaken and stir that secret part of you that knows living in any kind of bondage is a lie) by Guy Finley.
You're Well Along Freedom's Path When:

1. You have no desire to change places in life with anyone else.
2. You step over setbacks without stopping or looking back.
3. You accept and appreciate praise, but never take it to heart.
4. You don't overeat or feel driven to diet.
5. You don't think about your sex life.
6. You meet and do what's true without fear of the consequences.
7. You really don't want anything from anyone.
8. You stop thinking about how much money you may or may not have.
9. You don't carry any upset from the last moment into the present one.
10. You have no interest in old resentments.
11. You start spending more time alone and enjoying it more.
12. You stop dreaming of the perfect vacation.
13. You're neither frightened nor shocked by the evening news.
14. You stop making deals with yourself.
15. You dress for comfort, not for compliments.
16. You lose all interest in trying to win mental arguments.
17. You don't blame anyone else for the way you feel.
18. You forget what it was you didn't like about someone.
19. You're awake to and spontaneously considerate of the needs of others.
20. You see beauty in life where you never could see it before.
21. Your life gets progressively simpler.
22. You see where you're wrong sooner than later, and stop defending yourself faster.
23. You do what you don't want to do, and you do it with a lighter spirit.
24. You're not afraid of having nothing to say or do, if that's your true condition.
25. You can take criticism without cringing away from the truth it may hold.
26. You have no concern for what others may think of you.
27. You stop trying to make others see life in your way.
28. You enjoy the sound of silence as much or more than the sound of your own voice.
29. You see the same unpleasant traits within yourself that have made you shun others.
30. You say what you want, and not what you think others may want to hear you say.
31. You actually enjoy hearing about the good fortune of someone else.
32. You see more and more just how unfree you and others really are.
33. Your moods are fewer, lighter, and move on much quicker.
34. You see that society is destroying itself and that the only solution is self-change.
35. You can listen to others without the need to tell them what you know.
36. You don't find a thrill in any kind of fear.
37. You know that forgiveness of others is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
38. You realize that the world is the way it is because you are the way you are.
39. You'd rather not think about yourself.
40. You can't come up with one good reason why you should ever be anxious or frightened.

Something to ponder on a Friday afternoon.