.this feeling.

Do you know how tired it can be to carry the sad and sorrow feeling inside your freezing brain?

And the fear and agony of defeat you kept locked inside your inner self.

This dreadful trepidation of everything is chasing me ubiquitously. Like a shadow that trails. And haunts each awaken day of mine like a ghost trying to scare the shit out of me.

I’ve been trying to find some answers to questions I’ve been longing to ask myself. I want to know me, more and more…everything there is to know.

I’m riding on one of the horse-y on the merry-go-round. Slowly, slowly my horse spins, up and down I go. With my pony tails and pink polka dot dress, I am that little girl waiting for daddy to hold out his arm and say "Come darling, it’s time to go home." But of course, daddy will never come. So I keep on riding on my horsey, now with a candy in my hand, the sweetness that bites and the fear inside my eye. "Daddy? Daddy?" I called out but of course there’s no answer. "Daddy, I want to get off the horsey. Should I jump? Or wait for you to come and pick me up? Daddy, the horsey doesn’t want to stop. I’m dizzy and I’m scared." It’s getting dark and in the mist I can see a figure standing there. There, there near the tree. "Is that you daddy?"

No, little Ib. It’s ibah, 24, paranoid and as scared as you are. "You just hang on there. Someone will come and take you home."

"Who? Will he?"

"Just wait, little girl."

"I want to see you. Come and show yourself." But upon saying this, I can actually notice her stature. Petite and it looks as if she has a big black wing ready to be flap and a black halo on top of her head.

Okay..okay. This thought is going nowhere.

I just want…

…I don’t know. I’m afraid right now. Of everything, terrified that I’ve been making mistakes and everything seems to fail, and self-esteem is going zilch.

*if only he is here, I could run to him and say "I’m scared, papa. I’m scared of this frightening world." Hug him tightly and cry myself like mad. He will just smile and say "shh…don’t cry. Mama, you’re going to be fine. We’ll work out something okay?"

*teary eyes*

Ib, this is pathetic. Stop it.

*piak*


.where? where?.

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.your clouds.

i felt quite down tonight.

then i got an email from a friend, sending me a song that lights me up.

*this song reminds me of you.* he wrote.


Where the river cross
crosses the lake
Where the words
Jump off my pen
and into your pages
Do you think just like that
You can divideThis
You as yours
Me as mine
to before we were Us

if the rain
Has to separate from Itself
does it say "pick out your cloud?
"pick out your cloud
If there is a Horizontal Line
that runs from the MAP
off your body
straight through the Land
shooting upright through my heart
Will this Horizontal Line
when asked
know how to find
Where you end
where I begin
"pick out your cloud"

How Light can play
and form a Ring of Rain
that can change bows into arrows
(I found a thrill)
Who we were
isn't lost
Before
we were Us
Indigo in his own Blue
always knew this
if the rain
Has to separate from Itself
does it say
pick out your cloud

Your Clouds by Tori Amos.

Thanks muzzo for the song. Credited you again for naming my blog and then for this, a song for my blog. yay.

*clap clap*

i did pick out my cloud : stratus.

.asphyxiated happiness.

Went to see Tate Ghazi’s solo photography exhibition called “Triptych” at The Photographer’s Gallery. A pretty cool one, Triptych came from his idea of exhibiting works in threes. My favourite was “Shade” – a ‘marriage’ of photos printed on pulp. “Aah bila agaknya sampai turn aku pulak dapat buat solo exhibition?” said me. Oh well, I’m going to work hard to achieve up to that level where my photos would be competent to be exhibited. I remember some friends told me “Nanti bila dah famous and dah buat solo exhibition jangan lupa aku. Dah kaya, dah dapat jual artwork beribu2 jangan lupa belanja makan. Setakat pizza apa sangat kan?” Auuww. Friends who has confidence and believe in me. Friends who never fails to support. Thank you thank you *bow* I’ll bear that thought in mind to drive me towards my ultimate goal. Cewah. Aha. Insya Allah.

This isn’t fair! I am not suppose to shop until I get my next allowance!! Aaaa *freak out* But it was nice *just to calm up a bit ehem* I’m always in love with this military thang, always imagining myself as an aviator or something. I got several combat pants and knickerbockers in my collection, not much to spice up my so-called-military set but personal enough for me to wear it at times when I’m maddened with post-war aviation style. I’ve wanted to hunt for a Jodhpur and wear it with flat boots but aah saya belum sampai ke tahap itu untuk memakainya di public. I can wear it to school but no no no I can’t as it will draw too much attention to the already attention-grabbing gang. Mmm If only I am pale and with a bit of flesh on my arms and legs, I would definitely go for beatnik look with black skinny jeans worn with a short skinny fitted Sgt. Pepper military jacket. And and with smoky kohl lined eyes and pastel pale lips. Wah.

Now now do I sound like a fashion slave here? Oh my. But well, I’m a slave for accessories, collar lines, jackets and shoes. So yea I am a fashion slave muahaha.

I went to a play (or is it plays? Since there’s three plays in a row) in MMU. A friend of my roommate, Zulfa, directed one of the play. We arrived a bit late, the first one was already half way so I can’t comment much on that one. The second one was…….berterabur. Confusing, I can say. They tried too hard and end up with zilch. The main character was overshadowed by the other extras. There is no mood in it at all, even tough it was meant to be a dramatic play. Script? Hancus. Expression of the line up? Hancuss. Music? Hancuss. Overall? Memang hancuss.

Then there’s Zulfa’s play. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa his play saved the night! IT WAS BRILLIANT! Witty and hilarious musical comedy with the simplest idea but yet powerful! *applause* The idea was “to find the rubber-tapper champion” From the main character up to the smallest extra (‘the tree’) was funny! Zulfa make use of everything, he gave attention to every detail, from the story flow, characters, costumes, music, lighting, props. From the start to the end, he successfully grabs the audiences’ attention. I have to give credits to the line ups that did their act well, spontaneously. Lontaran suara yang sangat bagus! Mmm what else? I hardly noticed a flaw….oh well even some flaws like the mic stand nearly fell and one of the character nearly fell from the stage but they covered it up VERY NICELY, making the audience nearly had a diarrhoea laughing until farting hahahha. One of the song keep playing in my mind “toreh toreh toreh toreh….oh toreh aja…..aaaah”. It’s a play, in English, but the clashes of funny dialect of Indian rubber tapper champion and Indonesian rubber tapping guru was uproarious!

*two thumbs up for zulfa and his friends*

The play finished around 11.30pm, headed out to the mamak with Kayla and bumped into my old friend Wan Guardian and his friends, Ayad and Din, all from FOM, MMU. Aaaa kalau dah jumpa Wan memang jawabnya berjam-jam lah berborak, ada je bahan nak buat lawak and mengutuk orang. He was my junior from old college, before he pursed his study in UCSI, if I’m not mistaken. The last time we hang out was when he came over to my house in Cheras with my best buddy, Biggie. (aiyoh miss biggie a lot) I can’t stand Wan’s dramatic expression whenever he tells his stories which always made me laugh like mad. Tambah pulak Ibah punya bahan kutukan sebagai penyedap rasa wow mmg umphh sampai nak pecah kedai orang. Hahah. We chatted up to three am, yes Wan can be extremely dangerous at times, don’t you ever dare tell him you are not sleepy, he will talk to you forever. From old memories, to gossiping, bitching and talking about accountancy, Wan seriously drives me crazy. Haha. Tapi sekali-sekala layan member.

I woke up with a flu this morning, *hachoo* probably because I woke up early yesterday, at 7am and slept at 5.30am. Blame muzzo for detained me to go to bed. Huhu. Paranoid insomniac versus Rhetoric insomniac = sakit rahang.

Ped is coming over, yay! I miss Ped. Ped, my rock chic! Muaawks.

I think Ped miss her friends, Jah and Jughead. And Ped miss me too. Kan Ped? *teary eyes*


.ped is on the right, with her best friend jah.

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.distraction of a tag.

am not feeling very good. so i decided to do abby's tag.

1) My mother once: said that 'life is like a box of chocolate....' wait no that's from Forest Gump.

2) Never in my life: would I mess around with anyone or steal someone's boyfriend.

3) When I was five: i quickly noticed that i am bad in calculating and that i love english and drawing so much.

4) High school was: fun observing all sorts of girls, whilst staying low and out of the limelight. When I sat in a corner quietly, I can actually see who's bitching who, who's backstabbing who, who's bodek-ing which teacher, and I will go "ah, females. typical."

5) I will never forget: how it felt to be in love, the adrenalin rush, the butterflies in ur tummy, and the pain you got in return.

6) I once met: someone who i thought is my soulmate but when he turned around and walk away i know exactly that sometimes 'cinta itu tak semestinya memiliki'.

7) There's this person I know who: can be extremely dangerous, turning herself to green and rip off her nighties just because somebody wake her up from her sleep.

8) Once, at a bar: it was waikiki bar and I was stucked there with : a drunk girlfriend, surrounded by strangers, a singer who keep pointing his finger at me, no transportation for me to get the hell out of the place, had a huge fight with my ex and in the verge of breaking up. That is the first and last time i will ever set my foot in a bar again.

9) By noon I'm usually: not that chirpy yet, mood slowly sipping in, stretching stretching yawn yawn ahh. dozed off to sleep again. hahahaha

10) Last night I: fell asleep feeling bad.

11) If I only had: i hate the word 'if only'.

12) Next time I go to salon: I'd love to try to use a strand of hair extension. Preferably blue.

13) Brad Pitt: has a nice arse.

14) I like: to learn more from people. See their point of views and share deep emotions with them. Probably do some charity work.

15) When I turn my head left, I see: Noreen sleeping.

16) When I turn my head right, I see: white wall.

17) You know I'm lying when: I'm good in hiding things, you usually cant tell. *wink*

18) In grade school: is grade school the same with sekolah rendah? aha.

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare: i want to be juliet. *laugh scronfully*

20) By this time next year I: should have finished my study and in the process of becoming a photographer.

21) A better name for me would be: Miss Get The Hell Out OF My Way You Silly Kura-Kura Driver.

22) I have a hard time understanding: men and their complex character and trying to understand their needs of physical and emotions.

23) If I ever go back to school I'll: fix the broken wall that i kicked accidentally when i was in form four.

24) You know I like you if: Ah trap question. Never gonna answer this one. Its for me to know, and for you to find out.

25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: Allah SWT.

26) I hope that: i will stay put, keep on believing in my own self, in my family and friends, in good things and in my own talent.

27) Take my advice: just do whatever you believe you can do, and go get it. to hell with what other people might say about you.

28) My ideal breakfast is: i always skip mine.

29) A song I love, but do not have is: Jamie by Weezer.

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: make sure you have an empty tummy, follow me to hunt for good food. Make sure you have your wallet fill in with loadsa cash, follow me to hunt for cheap stuff. make sure you have your camera with you, follow me to watch the sun setting down.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: tulips are beautiful, character flaws are beautiful.microchip is suppose to be build in my mindnumbing brain for more power. track stars? is it the same with track celebrity? hahaha

32) Why won't anyone: stop being so typical and narrow-minded. let loose and believe in everyone.

33) If you spend the night at my house: we would probably stay up late till the birds chirping and sun rising up.

34) I'd stop my wedding: if i can see the photographer standing at a not-so-nice angle. and please make sure your hand isn't shaking. and dont get too close to the subject, since I AM the subject. and and ooh my best feature is from the left. aha. how fussy.

35) The world could do without: war and children's abuse.

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a roach than: why would i lick the belly of a roach?

37) My favorite is: photos.

38) Paper clips are more useful than: staples?

40) And by the way: I'm not that loner.

41) The last time I was drunk: i dont drink alcohol.

42) My grandmother always: melatah and laugh her heart out.

43) I'm tagging: every unlucky readers who are reading this thing right now. esp yat since i cant tag abby. beck do u do tag game? okay i tag muzzo as well. and fizah and azuar. and and semua orang aha.

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.fix me.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Please. Fix me.


......


should i be pathetically happy?
__ib

.Paws!.

Aaah. Holidays.

I’m having my mid-term break for a week, to which means I have to go to work : Monday to Friday, to catch up with some photo shoots, editing, building websites. Aaa…bliss.

Some of my friends, and family members, are complaining that it’s a bit hard to get hold of me these days, due to my commitment to work.

Azuar: Esok you free? You buat apa?
Me: Hurmm tak sure lagi.

Wawa: Cuti buat apa?
Me: Hurmm kerja.

Kayla: Esok awak ada kat cyber tak?
Me: Tak sure lagi la. Maybe kena kerja.

Noreen: U balik keje pukul berapa ni darl?
Me: Tak sure lagi, maybe tido ofis or balik lewat.

Hairye: Darl….jadi tak the plan?
Me: Hurm tak sure lagi…takot ada keje..tak boleh promise.
Hairye: Ko memang…..(some words has to be sensored)

Mommy: This week we have family dinner, are you coming home?
Me: Hurmm…not sure yet mom.

Kak Julie: Sabtu ni you gotta follow me to Haziq and Aiman’s concert.
Me: I will try my best to come.

I gave uncertainties for an answer. How I loathe that.

But its something that I chose to do, right? So…ehem.

Last Sunday was my Sunday Funday. I went to ‘visit’ some cats at the Paws Exhibition at the Berjaya Times Square. Yat was there too, doing a voluntary work, collecting donations for the cutie pies. Since I got nothing much to do at home, I decided to head out to KL and have some fun on my own. It was raining quite heavily when I reached KL, was soaked wet but for the sake of the cats, I went “do this for the cats, ib, don’t grumble. Stay put you silly little ninny.” Though I did whine a bit to Azuar. Snap some photos of the cutie pies, but missed Yat’s “Hold the Sphinx for RM1” session. I donated a bit for the cats, was looking around for some nice collar as a gift to my cat Jerry and then hang out at the Borders for hours. Get myself a journal for RM15.90, I thought it was cool, reminded me of Bridget Jones’s red diary. Surprisingly, I found myself stuck at the Self-Help section again. My fingers was itchy to grab some books so I just let my hunch took the lead and aaah my hand snatched a book on ‘How to control your anger and emotion’ stuff. *freak out* I was trembling whilst reading it. Keep reminding myself “I’m not being temperamental or anything, its just a book” while trying to be on my feet properly as my leg was shuddering badly due to my own stupefied drivel contemplations and sentiments.

Frustrated with myself for letting myself frown in nuisance this morning that leads me to that book, I went to hang out with Yat downstairs to calm myself down. *ehem* Yat introduced me to Chris Ng (cool, funny guy he is), Janet from One Academy and Kak Hanim Hassan, (super cool lady and very very friendly and supportive) Astro Ria’s ex-boss. A cool bunch indeed. What they were doing for the cats was amazingly compassionate and honourable. Bona fide! They collected a whole sum of RM600, which wasn’t bad after all. It’s a bit pitiful to see Malaysians, the typical one I mean, had a hard time to even donate a blardy RM1 for charity. There’s even this one makcik who asked us “Kalau derma dapat apa? That question got me going bonkers. *boink* I’ve been meaning to answer “Dapat pahala la apa lagi?” but was *ehem* controlling myself not to say such. (The book really did me good aha) I think Malaysians are still a bit prudent when it comes to charity things. Some of them can be parsimonious. I mean, come on, even the Prophet Muhammad pon asked us to ‘beramal jariah’ kan? Azuar said, Malaysian ada macam2 jenis, and yea I don’t think I like this kind of Malaysians : the typical mind-set and the parsimonious when it comes to charity. The RM600 is not for us human being to ‘berjoli sakan with’, its for the cats, to find shelter for them, to buy their food. Chris Ng and Hanim Hassan don’t make a profit out of it pon!! Cats are Prophet Muhammad’s best friend even. *sigh* shheeesshh I can be super sensitive when it comes to animals, especially cats.


.alaa....no 61 ke??.


.reminds me of Garfield.


.hehe my cat peah pon nak enter frame gak, she was amazed by my shadow.

Well, I’m just glad that those who were reluctant to donate for the cats, didn’t do so. At least the donations are free from any pretence or deceit. Good for the cats. Nak derma biar ikhlas, beb.

Hang out with the bunch, Chris, Kak Hanim, Yat and later joined in by Kak Rosnah – Manager for Marketing and Promotions for Berjaya Times Square. Chatted over black coffee and pastries at Starbucks. I had to thank Kak Hanim a lot for wanting to read my blog and browse around my flickr site. *thank you sifoo!* Ah the bitching, gossiping and stimuli conversations was great.


.RM20 million for TVP? said kak hanim.


.Clockwise Chris Ng, Kak Rosnah, Kak Hanim, Ibah, Yat.

I slipped and fell near Low Yat Plaza, causing me some small cut on my feet. *ouch* The road was slippery and I made a graceful ballet stunt. Ah nice move to cover up over embarrassment. Go Ib!

Ooh, I just realized something: recently my blog is covered with dialogues and scripts. Sooo muzzo-ism. I cant believe I’m incited by Muzzo. No no my mission is to be an independent photographer and exhibit my work. But heck, scriptwriting in between shooting would be nice jugak kan? Muzzo, watch out for Ibah the writer pulak haha.

Kindly visit Paws. See if we can do something for the cats.

Meow.


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.when things dont go your way.

they just don't.

if they doesn't, it isn't.

as simple as that. so stop being such a total paranoid freak, ib. you silly little girl you.

*piak*

.i need a human being right now to sit beside me.

that's quite a long title.

just as i was about to switch off my lappy, i came across this quiz thingy and it says...

You excel at anything difficult or high tech. In other words, you're a total (brilliant) geek.It's difficult for you to find people worth spending time with.Which is probably why you'll take over the world with your evil robots!

Your strength: Your unfailing logic

Your weakness: Loving machines more than people

Loving machines more than people is my weakness! Aaaaa.

*imagine myself falling from the sky and into the dungeon*

*bedebussss*

Maybe i should throw away my lappy and my powershot and my mp3 player and my card reader (my nyawa) and my thummydrive and my hair straightener. And all other gadgets that are stuffed in my bag right now.

*sad face*

Gosh, this is what happened to you when you are single. You love machines more than a human being!

*gasp*

ah. the clock had just striked 6am in the morning.

azuar: why do u have to stay awake up to 6? its not good to stay up so late. go get some sleep.

me: i have no idea why.

i heard a bird chirping outside my window. maybe that's the reason why i love forcing myself to stay awake, wa. to listen to the bird's singing.

and their singing is getting louder. wish i could record the sound and listen to it all day long.

*sit still in the dark and close my eyes*

ah. time for bed, ib.


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.i'm bored.

And starving as well.

Muzzo:. You bored? Are u for real girl? I read your blog for like once in 2 days and hell girl you do merayap around...

Did I?

Oh well, the summarization of my jaunt says it all. Hah.

I felt annoyed yesterday…with everyone, and I have no idea why. Mood swing? Humm.

Slept at 6am the other day before, woke up at 10am. Got a call from Hairye who’ve been yelling at me:

"BANGUN! Pi skolah! Teman aku lunch! Kalau tak aku…….."

I can’t finish the line.

But I end up having lunch alone, with a shrink chicken chop and digital mag to accompany me, since Hairye and everyone else was late for class. I went to school for nothingness and it annoyed me. I decided to take a look around the school (since the only place I went to everyday was design class and plaza) and end up sitting alone at the school’s so-called coliseum, reading my mag and observing people. And that annoyed me too.

Bleugh.

Didn’t I have any assignments to do? Aaa. Yes. Yes.

*slap forehead*

I think I have a severe injury inside my already damaged brain that often makes me forgot about the piling up assignments. And laundry. And scattered wires inside my room that need to be tidy. And where’s my comb? I need to find that too. Haven’t comb my hair for a week.

*scratch head* Oh my.

This is disaster. x_X

Am supposed to watch ‘Life is Beautiful’.

*thanks to Azuar.who kindly surprised me with the CD. Yay*

But I’m all tired and sleepy *yawn*

*yawn*

I should go get some rest and a good night sleep. Will watch it tomorrow.

*yawnnnnnnnnnn*


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.much.

to write.

but cant seem to put any words together.

maybe later.

i had a drink at the kopitiam in central market. ice chocolates and toast bread. single, kaya and butter.

no wonder i'm hungry right now. i had that for lunch.

i miss my dad.

*run and hide in my closet*


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.a life worth living?.

sure it does.

i've been meaning to type in a very good entry today but then i got all lazy and end up lying in my bed and sleep.

i'm supposed to go out for lunch with hairye. but i cancelled it.
i'm supposed to reply muzzo's msg. but i didn't.
i'm supposed to hang my laundry. but i choose to fall asleep again.
i'm supposed to take off this blue shirt out of me and take a bath. but I couldnt.

what's been happening to me today? gosh.

i'm still wearing his blue shirt, and i cant seem to get it out of my body. i mite be wearing it the whole day. and tomorrow. i like the smell of it and the feel of it on my skin. i'm confused.

*i hate the mixed and confused feeling*

i chatted with azuar over the phone. and he made me laugh. and yes he is straight. haha.

i started my job as a part time photographer with mukriz yesterday and had my first shooting session ever. it did turn out great. only one or two shots turned out ugly but the rest was..great.

me: i'm nervous. its my first shooting. i had butterflies in my tummy.

azuar: you'll be great.

and yeah it did turn out great. Alhamdullilah.

him: is RM30000 enough to pay your work?

me: pay me what i am worth.

*or be with me, if i am worth to be with*


sheeshh. my knee hurts like hell. i shouldnt have............

x_X

i should go and take my bath.

but can i wear this shirt while bathing? i dont want to take it off.

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib