And the fear and agony of defeat you kept locked inside your inner self.
This dreadful trepidation of everything is chasing me ubiquitously. Like a shadow that trails. And haunts each awaken day of mine like a ghost trying to scare the shit out of me.
I’ve been trying to find some answers to questions I’ve been longing to ask myself. I want to know me, more and more…everything there is to know.
I’m riding on one of the horse-y on the merry-go-round. Slowly, slowly my horse spins, up and down I go. With my pony tails and pink polka dot dress, I am that little girl waiting for daddy to hold out his arm and say "Come darling, it’s time to go home." But of course, daddy will never come. So I keep on riding on my horsey, now with a candy in my hand, the sweetness that bites and the fear inside my eye. "Daddy? Daddy?" I called out but of course there’s no answer. "Daddy, I want to get off the horsey. Should I jump? Or wait for you to come and pick me up? Daddy, the horsey doesn’t want to stop. I’m dizzy and I’m scared." It’s getting dark and in the mist I can see a figure standing there. There, there near the tree. "Is that you daddy?"
No, little Ib. It’s ibah, 24, paranoid and as scared as you are. "You just hang on there. Someone will come and take you home."
"Who? Will he?"
"Just wait, little girl."
"I want to see you. Come and show yourself." But upon saying this, I can actually notice her stature. Petite and it looks as if she has a big black wing ready to be flap and a black halo on top of her head.
Okay..okay. This thought is going nowhere.
I just want…
…I don’t know. I’m afraid right now. Of everything, terrified that I’ve been making mistakes and everything seems to fail, and self-esteem is going zilch.
*if only he is here, I could run to him and say "I’m scared, papa. I’m scared of this frightening world." Hug him tightly and cry myself like mad. He will just smile and say "shh…don’t cry. Mama, you’re going to be fine. We’ll work out something okay?"
*teary eyes*
Ib, this is pathetic. Stop it.
*piak*
.where? where?.
Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib
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