.a life on its own.

I have been absent. Things were quiet and normal for me in the past few weeks. Its one of those days where I feel like doing something else other than sitting in front of my lappy for hours. Since I got back home, my lappy has been well hidden in the bag and under the bed. The only time I took her out was because I want to make sure it's still there. I wake up early every morning, make myself cups of hot milo and scrambled eggs, turn on the telly and channel surfing. I did some painting in the afternoon, took some naps in the evening and watched late night movies. My fav is 'Lemony Snicket's - A Series of Unfortunate Events'. It never fails to inspire me.

No internet. No handphones. Just decent and ordinary.

I'm sorry for not replying text messages or says hello. A friend asked 'How's your birthday? There's no updates on it on your blog so I was just wondering...' What can I say? I just dont feel like making my birthday bloggable. There's unwanted creatures who likes to poke their nose into other people's business so why offer them news?
But anyway, its good to be home. Home is where my heart is. Home is where I will come back to when I have been out all day, feeling tired from poking my nose into the business of my life.

And speaking of life, lately, I've been asking myself this question, 'What is life to me?'

Life is about enjoying it, celebrating cherish moments and be happy. Wasting the day by looking at the clouds, going out for a drink with friends or celebrating anniversary with loved ones. Taking my time walking slowly down the road and not disturb with serious thinking over where life is directing. Oh, how i love taking my time. A life where I dont have to be at the front seat driving but sitting at the back seat, stretching and enjoying the ride. But life is about taking risks too. Everyday, we are given chances and options to choose from. Its all up to us to carefully decide because our decisions has its effect that might change our life forever. Looking back, I have been rebellious and somewhat demanding. I love the good things of life and always on the lookout for it. I'll do as I please, I dont do what people told me to do, a brat like me just wont listen. I made sure that things went on the way I wanted them to be. Yes, things must go my way and I have my own way of making it done. 'She will always finds a door', as what my sister Julie would say to my mom. 'She just wants a way out, mummy. She just doesnt care as long as there's a an open door waiting for her.' Probably that's how I always see life. There's always two doors. If one door is closed then another one will open. If both doors are closed, knock politely. I could even imagine myself breaking into it before knocking.

Sometimes,in the silence of my quiet defiance, I say to myself 'How good it would be to be free. Its tiring: struggling and fighting.' All my life I have been busy planning and preparing for a lifetime. Tried to change things I could not change, fighting for things that doesnt make any sense to anyone. And as I grew older, I feel like its not my fight anymore, I just want to let things be. I take my time to look at life a bit more closer and asked myself 'When did it happen? This thing we called life.' John Lennon once said 'Life happens when you are busy planning for a lifetime.' Well, that's before he got shot with a .38 calibre revolver outside the Dakota Building but he was right. I tried to deny the fact that I've missed an awful lot on life but reality bites me in the head. A dreadfully, dreadful truth I'm still trying to swallow down my throat.

So I jumped into the rabbit hole, out of desperation, thinking that heck I might get out clean and unchanged. But did I? The answer is, no. I mean, how can that possibly be?

Maybe sometimes I got it all wrong the moment I think things has finally gone right. Fear prevails, holding me back when I tried to move on. I surrender my trust more than I should allow when I already know that trust can only be given out to those I really have faith in. It's a tough job not to succumb. It takes all the courage in me and also an enormous self-control to stay firm on the ground when people try to knock me over and over again. All those nocturnal nights that keeps me awake made me think of what I should and shouldn't have done. I thought that I was stronger but life has proved otherwise. Perhaps the thing that always fill me with fear wasn't the uncertainties that lies ahead of me, but my own shadow.

I have picked up my life lesson after I'd jumped into the rabbit hole. I've learned that something that you do in an instant, could cause you a heartache for life. I've learned that sometimes the people that you love most in life, are taken from you too soon. I've learned that either you control your attitude, or it controls you. I've learned that sometimes when i am angry i have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be mean and take advantage of the situation. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived. I've learned that there are certain things that you just have to let go in order for you to be free and have a peace of mind. I've learned when to speak my mind out loud and when to just sit down and listen. I've learned when to keep things to myself and when to share it with others. I've learned that no matter how much I desire to fly freely, I should not forget my origin and always stick to what I believe in. I've learned from what hurts me as well as what loves me.

And I've also learned that I can keep going, long after I think I can't.

There are times when people start telling me what I can do or cannot do and start having an opinion about who I am, how I've been raised by my family, how I should deal with my life and even about all the little petty things like the guys I've dated and the way I dress. I've asked myself 'Do they really care or do they just need to appear dogmatic?' But having to meet lots of different types of people, I can tell which is which. I really wanted to hit them over the head and yell 'Hello, look at yourself first before you can even say my name!' but being a quiet person that I am, I just let the imagine lived vividly in my head as what my friend always told me, 'give them the benefit of a doubt'.

I may not be that smart or clever, pretty, cool, clean and well-dressed, or enthusiastic and opinionated. I may be this silly madgirl who needs a huge makeover in order for her to walk proudly in the crowd. But being who I was and who I am, it doesn't matter if I am not all that because I dont need to be anyone else other than me. All that is important for me is to find the open door. There must be people out there who will take me and my dreams seriously. Everyone deserves a shot and all I want is a fresh start somewhere.

I believe, with or without voices, with or without explanations,that the time for everything to fall into pieces will arrive one day. I'll just have to wait with great patience for the moment to come. It has not been a good year for me but that will change. If you have been in a difficult situation where things might get a bit desperate and beyond hope, that it is urgently needed to be changed because you need it to look promising not just to yourself but to others as well, so to convince you and the rest of the world that things are actually fine the way they are, then you know how I feel.

And secretly I wish for that someone, yes, the right person to come along my way, to take my hand and walk every nook of life with me. I want to look at his lovely, clean face and see myself reflected in him. Someone who would make me feel happy and confident and keeps me that way. A humble, respected person who love kids and nostalgic songs. What is life without love?

Well, anyway, I just thank Him for giving me the chance to live my day the best that I could through this twenty four years of living. :))

P/s haikal doesnt even have the time to write his meetings in his diary. there goes your name dear. *wink*