.the year of the dog.

Note down: Gong Xi FaT Choy.

Gong Xi Fat Choy to those who celebrates the Chinese New Year. *firecrackers*

To my ex-boss, Mr Tan and family, Ms Ler, Siew Ming, Lee Teng, Mong Heung, Ho, Eiffel Chong, Mr Cheng, C.K and all LimKokWing-ians who celebrates it.

It’s that festive season again and Muar is packed with people driving around town, lining up at the ATM machines (alongside the Nepalese, Vietnamese, Indonesians, Bangladeshis) and skirmishing for parking spaces.

Aaah. Joy oh joy.

I was struggling to get my nephews to have their bath this morning…



. they’re so blardy hooked with my laptop.


when I received one sms from my ex-boss. It turns out that he was trying to make some sort of trivia quiz via sms with us, his fellow designers (though I’m not a part of the company any longer but still Ibah dipaksa terbabit sama, like always.) Anyone who answers wrongly will still get a pack of angpow and oranges but if the answer is correct we will get a double angpow from him.

If I choose not to play along, he will make me hang on to dear life before he shoots me in the head or mash me on the ground with his big giant Ford Ranger.

*freak out*

I forgot how the sms sounds like since I deleted already, but it did sounds like somebody from the company (THS Industries) wanted to work back in Muar branch with my ex-boss, not because of the angpow offered but because of the responsibility and his/her love towards the company. He/she also felt like THS is his/her second family. The question however, was this: Who is this person?

Only one name pop-ed into my mind: Sam, my dear old friend.

I did answer correctly. And yay, I got the RM100 angpow. But I was literally confused, how come larr the staff also cannot answer this stupid question? Because to me, the answer is quite obvious! Sam is the only designer left working in KL, he always got angpow offered by my ex-boss and he has worked with the company more than 6 years so it’s really understandable that the company is his second family.

I left the company for a year and a half by now, but I still get the inside ‘scoop’ once in a while.
Later in the evening, one of my ex-colleague called me and said; "Babe, I thought it was you."
I answered confusedly; "Huh? What’s your answer?" to which came a stun reply; "Ibah".
Wtf would I ever work back with the company? I have one more year of study to be finished
*blink eyes in disbelief*

Then, I received a forwarded sms from my ex-boss. The sms came from another ex-colleague of mine:

‘Boss, its good to have Ibah back with Muar team. Really like one happy family. I still remember the time when Man, Sam, Ibah, Hairy, Bakhtiar, Nazri, Nor, Az and myself had a brainstorm session in HQ, that was the best experience I ever had. We are very close to each other, having fun while working together. She’s a great designer and a good deal for the company."

I replied to my boss:

‘I’m flattered beyond belief and yes I have to admit we were a one big happy family back then. I miss those moments. Boss, still got the angpow ah?’

Replied boss:

‘Yah lah. U correct. But I am thinking of giving u oranges only. Well, from mimi, to Ah Ler, Wawa and everyone else said Ibah is back. All seem to love you so much, my dear Ibah."

Do they?

Aaaw, u guys!



.aaw- am flattered beyond belief.


I was up the other night because of the firecracker’s noise. Not knowing either to injure the people who make such noise or to just join them along, I quickly grab my dgcam and snap some nice photos. Good angle, great lights…ah such bliss.



.firework mode.



.between shaft of bulb light and glare of firecrackers.



.beam-er.





Bliss is when I have colors and lights around me to which they signify all my hopes and dreams.

These two things always make the pupil of my eye grow larger and larger.

My oh my.




Mind me, just blogging around. Hah.

Gong Xi Fat Choy!



Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.the most beautiful.

Note down: The most beautiful.

I watched Malaysia’s Most Beautiful last Thursday and my first hunch about the contestants was right; Dilla really is something. I love her honesty, and I believe by being truthful to yourself and the people around you will eventually bring out your true colors. By being honest, being yourself, not afraid to share your strength and weaknesses to people, could make you a more beautiful you. And by being all that, people don’t have to guess "siapa la dia ni sebenarnya’ coz it shows your inner and outer self. Like Dilla said, she is honest and transparent and I see that two qualities of hers are more than appealing.

Who else I found beautiful by just being frank to themselves and translucent to others, that I have encounter in my life? Here’s a list:

My mom – for showing me a good heart and honesty are always the best traits there is.
Wawa, my best friend – she is just her own self without having to hide anything.
My brother, Zaris – for being so so so honest to people.
Kayla – for always being her own self and never care about flaws. She sometimes reminds me of my mom.
As, my old friend. (As is a he btw) – he shared his true colors with me.
Abby - for never afraid of sharing her flaws, admitting it and feel beautiful with it.
Snow my tutor - for the beautiful person beneath that icy, cold look.
Kak Shifa – for always laughing her heart out but still looks cute.
Qistina, my niece – for proving to us adults, that sincerity is always the key to a beautiful heart. She never lies to her mommy or anyone else, if she pee in the pants or pinch her sister, she would just admit it with a straight face and then make you wonder to either get upset with her words or just love her more.

Dilla doesn’t have a hard time trying to fit in because she already stands out among the others. Her curly hair already made her different. I have to say that the beauties I always look for in people are not a gorgeous face or voluptuous body, but their flaws and the way they carry it, inner and outer. Hidung senget or clumsiness is considered beautiful to me. I am more at ease around this kind of people than freak who always ‘kontrol giler’ and fictitious. Arrrgh.
And the first time I look at Dilla, I quickly noticed her flaws and I think it’s pretty cute. She is dark skin, lanky, when she smile it looks more like a grin, she is out-spoken and ‘cakap laju macam sarimah’. And I’m just glad that she wins, at least she’s not a fake plastic limau tree.

Like Rahman always said to me, "If you think you got it, flaunt it.’ *though I am more than sure he was referring to tits and ass* "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" *though I am more than sure he was referring to his Kure art marker*

And honesty is the sexiest thing a man can give to a woman.

Don’t you think?





Nonetheless it barely happens.




Delineate the word beautiful in your own words lah okay?

Have a nice day, you.



Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.the lost.

note down: it's a lost but a total win for myself.

Berkat kesabaran dan doa yang tidak henti2...kini segala2nya telah terbukti nyata di hadapan mereka2 yang berdiri di belakang ku selama ini. Terima kasih mak,kakak dan abang2, kerana akhirnya percaya dan memberi semangat untuk Ibah terus menempuh laluan hidup sendiri. Terima kasih kerana memberi kebebasan yang selama ini Ibah ingin miliki. Syukur kerana akhirnya, segala kekukusutan ini akhirnya hilang. Kini, aku tahu siapa dia yang sebenarnya. Takkan ada lagi ruang dalam hati untuk nama dia terpahat walau sekecil kuman sekalipun! I may not be his 'the best' but at least i'm better without him! Tak akan ku cipta lagi ruang untuk kau kembali atas dasar cinta palsu kamu selama 4 tahun, dan kasih keluarga aku pada kamu! Pergi dan jangan kembali!

I promise not to let you down, mommy. Not to let go of your faith and trust *hugs*

Alhamdullilah.


.i miss having something important in my life but at least, i'm now my own self.

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.the crap entry.

Note down: The I don’t-know-what-I’m-talking-about-crap.

Last night, I watched an Indonesian movie, ‘Janji Joni’ and was so disappointed as I realize the only Malaysian movie that has this kind of story telling is actually none. Okay so there’s some independent movie out there at the cinema approaching slowly, trying very hard to bloom in the film industry but they’re still a soupçon behind.

We are a bit in the rear, in a bit of everything, don’t you think?

I mean, there’s truth in my words…just look at our local soccer team and see how they play! *oh boy oh boy* And the government…I heard they are trying to improve our public toilet. wtf… in 2006? Come on! (and we havta pay RM0.30 to piss in a hancing pering loo goddammit) And they’re still discussing about how the enhancement is going to be like while other countries had already move forward twenty steps ahead.

Oh dear. That was a little inconsiderate of me…wasn’t it?

Sorry, no pun intended there. I’m agitated to post up something but can’t seem to find anything interesting to share instead of my stupefied, mind-numbing life story. *thinks hard*
I’m staring blankly at the screen, my fingertips are left on the keyboard cramped and my laptop is going to hibernate any time soon since I forgot to recharge it last night.

My friend is peering over my laptop to read what I’m trying to blog about while blithely scooping some yogurt. She then threw me a smug smile before concentrating to her yogurt and corked in my mp3 player in her ear and listen to some indie songs. Pfftt.

Ira has suggested me to watch ‘Baik Punya Cilok’. She had watched it with Amril and won’t snub any invitation to watch it again. And if that girl has the urge to watch malay film twice, thrice, well then I guess it must be a pretty good Malay flick. Hurm not that Ira has a good taste in movies but I kind of have faith in her tang *laugh maniacally*

I’m going home to KL in a few days time (how I even detest the word home, KL is not my home, it’s just a place I currently live in) to celebrate my sister’s birthday. She’s the successful one in the family; at the age of 35 she is the richest, the brightest, the most genius of us five. I’m quite broke to buy her anything. She already got everything; (well, almost) with RM8K slipped into her bank account monthly, she could buy almost anything she desires to pay money for. I used to watch her buy diamonds and computer gadgets like she buys a bar of chocolate. *faints*

Sometimes, I silently yearn to be like her.

Successful and confident…though deep down inside she is as fragile as any woman.


Well, happy birthday in advance dear sister.


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.the get away.

Note down: The mend-my-broken-heart-vacation.

Being single has its perks.

With so much freedom on my hands, I decided to head off south to spend a few days with two of the most analytical and supportive person in my life. I decided to take it easy and just chill. I tried to confine from emotions and extricate myself from giving or receiving any hopeless anticipation in fear of masticating the truth that all those hope is going to fade away in the end.

I try to escape.

I like it here. You can actually pee with the door open; this house is so full of privacy. (except for the time to poo-poo) Every part of this house brings my childhood memories come to living in each awaken nights. There’s no hatred here, this place is filled with warm love and tender care. There are no bitter memories as far as I could remember, not even a person to hate. Here, I always felt welcome and wanted. They have accepted me since I am two months old. This place is quite sacred for me. Every time I felt low, I found heaven here, in the place and in the people. I chose the right shelter to secrete this time.

Handphones are off and the Internet usage is limited to blog only. No YM or MSN.

Bumming around at home may sound like fun but after a few hours of trying to knock myself off to some partial sleep, I just realized how empty my life is and can’t help but wondering how hard it’s going to be for me to face my days as a single, weird, paranoid 24 year old.

*Normal enough to know that I’m weird…but too damn weird to do anything about it*

At this very second, I’m still very much awake, sitting on a lime green beanie bag, staring expressionlessly at the wall in front of me, craving for some sausages, mayonnaise and cheese. Or carbonara.

I haven’t plugged my ear with my mp3 player for quite a few days *I thwart myself not to* and the only music that cheers my days here are the noise of chicken kokok-ing, the clamor of little kids crying, the sound of the wind blowing, birds twittering away and at times I hear almost nothing. *just the echo of emptiness of course* it’s a total bliss of self-ignorance. I’m totally detached from the outside world. Far-off from the normal life that I actually loathe. I’m neither here nor there. It is prudent for me to just fade away and dwell in the comfort of my isolation.

It’s startling to find out that the more I want to learn about myself, the lesser that I discover.

I don’t recognize me anymore *breathe in nervously*


Living my life pathetically happy.
__ib

.the nonsensicality.

Note down: The nonsensicality.

A friend asked me earlier this morning a question that makes me think. ‘If you want to be happy, you gotta have reason to be happy about right?’

Really? Not quite larr but I do come out with some reasons, just to prickle my wits a bit.

Here is some of the reason I have listed down, just in case I do need a raison d'être to believe that I deserve to be happy:

I am happy, blissful and content that I am:
-Not fat.
-Not pregnant.
-Not addicted to anything.
-Have a pair of nice tits.
-Single.

There goes my ludicrousness.

I wanted to say something constructive and adequate in my blog, like what my friend Abby suggest people to do (she meant of quit talking crap about love, bla bla bla and start talking about something more imperative i.e. world crisis, kids suffering, economy mishap) but I can’t find a perfect issue to discuss. I am afraid that I would say the wrong piece of information since I don’t read as much. At this time of mending my broken heart, all I found intimidating and provocation to my mind is concerning how complex this creature called men can be at times. I mean, for ages, this is the most desired matter of all times, unanswered even. Women over the world have come together over coffee and chocolates (I meant to say ciggies but decided not to) to analyze the perplexing behavior of men. (Guy, chap, male, whatever you feel like calling them) To me, men are not that complicated, even if they’d like you to think they are. Okay so they’re complicated, but sometimes men can be obvious every so often. But it’s us who often get blinded and fouled by the name of love. Love is blind they say, but sometimes we are blinded to a fault rather than love itself.

Anybody who agree, raise your hand.

Today, I got a call from someone’s (who has been close to me for four years) mom. She told me that she regrets it what has happened between her son and me. I can’t help but to cry and sob when I heard she cried at the other line, saying that she loves me like her own daughter.

Here’s a part of the conversation:

Makcik: Makcik dah lama nak beritahu ibah hal ni kat ibah tapi makcik tak sampai hati.
Ibah: tak pe makcik, dia dah beritahu kat ibah sendiri.
Makcik: ibah sabar banyak2 yer..
Ibah: saya redha makcik. Dia yang buat keputusan ni, dia tau apa yg terbaik utk diri dia.
Makcik: Makcik sayang sangat kat ibah, macam anak makcik sendiri. Adik2, semua kat sini sayangkan ibah..
Ibah: Ibah pon sayang sangat kat makcik, dan adik2. Ibah dah anggap makcik macam mak ibah sendiri. Ibah rindu sangat kat semua.
Makcik: Kami pon sama. Ibah, jangan lah sebabkan hal ni kita putus hubungan ye. Kita tetap keluarga. Ibah kalau ada masalah, ibah beritahu kat makcik, kita bincang sama2. yer?
Ibah: Ye lah, makcik. Ibah tetap anggap makcik sekeluarga mcm keluarga ibah jugak. Ada masa nanti ibah datang jumpa makcik yer. Ibah mintak maaf semua benda ni jadi. Kami masing2 ada buat silap, masing2 dah tak boleh terima keadaan. Ibah memang sayang sangat2 kat dia. Tak pernah ibah benci dia, makcik. Dia dah buat keputusan, ibah kena terima. Walaupon ibah jumpa lelaki lain, tapi sayang pada dia tetap ada. Tak pernah berubah.
Makcik: Kamu dua2 masih muda, apa yang kamu buat semuanya ikut kata hati,tak fikir panjang.
Ibah: Silap ibah juga agaknya makcik. Takpelah kali ni biar ibah mengalah. Ibah tak salahkan dia kalau dia nak cari lain, itu hak dia. Cuma harap satu hari dia berubah dan sedar yang ibah sebenarnya sayang dia.
Makcik: Ye lah?kita tengok macam mana. Paksa2 pon tak guna. Ibah tu bawak bersabar banyak2. Dugaan ni dtg dari Allah, Dia nk uji kita. Mesti ada hikmah. Makcik pon nak yang terbaik utk Ibah
Ibah: (I kept crying)
Makcik: Ibah, ingat pesan makcik. Jangan abai pelajaran, ibah ingat mak ibah banyak2. Belajar rajin2, buat mak ibah gembira. Ibah ingat, mak ibah dah semakin berusia?.dia lebih penting sekarang ni. Ibah buat diri ibah berjaya, buat mak ibah bangga.
Ibah: Yelah makcik, ibah ingat.
Makcik: Lagi satu, jangan tak makan. Makan banyak2 sikit?.(laughing)
Ibah: (laughing) berat saya makin turun..
Makcik: Hish jangan mcm tu. Jangan kerana hal ni, ibah seksa diri ibah.
Ibah: (I seem to lost my word)

Later on in the evening, his mom sms me again:

SMS 1- Bersabar ibah, Allah nak beri yang terbaik untuk ibah.
SMS 2- Makcik sentiasa doakan ibah bahagia semuanya. Dan diberkati Allah.

4 years to build this love, to bond together two families and it only takes us some foolishness, egoism and selfishness to ruin everything.

Happy move on, ibah.


Love is in my head, but freedom is in my soul.
Quote me.


Living my life pathetically happy.
__ib