.confession.

Here’s a confession.

Last three weeks, I’ve made a terrible mistake in my life. I was really shattered. I know, when it comes to the matter of the heart, I often let my feelings and emotional baggage cloud my judgment. So, I tried to pick up the broken pieces of me and cleaned up the whole mess I’ve made.

...by forgiving myself and forget the whole thing.

I have come to realize that it will only do me more harm if I don’t let it go. I’ve been so hard on myself, now I just want my old-self back. The crazy, fun Ibah. Not the scared little cat I once was.

I screwed up. I’ve been a fool. But hey, I’m just human. Who had mistakenly kissed a lot of frogs in search of prince charming. Who had once too many times imagining the idea of running away from everything and start a new life in New York. Who wore a pale green collared-T with slippers on a date and think it was pretty cool. Picked the wrong job, the wrong course, the wrong guy, the wrong shoes. There’s even very horrific moments I wouldn’t dare to say or even think about it come to that. It was all very embarrassing but you can’t know what works till you’ve tried what doesn’t, can you? Falling flat on the ground is pretty normal for me but what matters is I do bounce myself back, though sometimes i take my own sweet time to eventually get up.

I’m the kind of a person who ‘do it and regret later’. Haha. But that’s what makes my life so interesting and full of stories.. Imagine living your life at your best all the time: never made a single mistake, winning without having to taste the anger of losing, being all goody-goody, blah blah blah…wouldn’t it be so dull? I’d rather live my life otherwise. Not that I’m proud of it but it makes me feel that I’m a fully-functional human being, that comes with a ‘full-of-flaws’ package. I think, that’s what makes a person much more endearing.

Once I’ve started to forgive myself, I found it really easy to lower my guards and enjoy the ride. And it has been fantastic since, especially with my photography. I guess, my positivism has magnetized more and more opportunities. I was at the gallery to check out the space for my display when I met my old mentor, Encik Poncho who upon seeing me, said ‘…and so I’ve heard.’ With a smile. It was all overwhelming, really.

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I had one of the loveliest mornings the other day with my best friend, Ira at her favorite La Marche. Had rosti with carrots and orange juice.

‘What’s the point of having peeled carrots on your breakfast if you hate ém?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know…I liked the idea of having peeled carrots on my breakfast though I hate ém.’ replied dear me.

There’s nothing quite like a childhood friend. She, being the ‘Miss Logic’ and me being the ‘Drama Queen’. If there’s a person who could remind myself of who I was, who I am, and who I wanted to be, it would be her. She had made her fair share of mistakes as well, so we often sit together over food and cookies, and analyze ourselves and dictate where we did wrong. We noticed the other day that our conversation has grown mature over the years. '...how people can change huh, ib?' she says.

Having said all these, would I ever go back to being the old scared little cat? Never. I will not allow myself to slow my phase by thinking of my past. Insya Allah. It was hard, really. But once I’ve started to do it, it just comes naturally. It’s all in the mind.

I'm enjoying my maggi hot cup, a cuppa hot nescafe and a fast fast fast net-surfing at the moment, with Staralfur by Sigur Ros on repeat. Lovely and dreamy.