.new way of blogging.

I’m sick and tired of my own blog and how it looks like.

I hate all the titles in my archives, which always starts with the word ‘the’. I’m being a bit too uptight with my own blog and it suppressed me from blogging these past few mundane days of my lacklustre life. I have this niggling feeling of uneasiness each time I open up my blog and it bothers my psyche.

So fickle-minded of me o_O

I’ve been struck by some sort of inertia that caused me to collapse onto my bed every morning in a state of confound to either go to class or to skip and I found snoozing my alarm clock as a very interesting exercise to work out my finger. Hah. What a pathetic excuse for being lethargic.

I can’t help telling myself everyday that I’m actually sick and tired of studying. No, not studying as in studying but studying where I have to attend classes and do assignments and follow school’s rules. Lately, I’ve this notion of quitting studies, find whatever job I could get hold of, continue my freelance working life and spend my days with my mom. I believe in learning from life experiences, from other people, from observations. But studying in LKW and get uptight with rules and assignment and other shits is so not me anymore.

When I was in my diploma days, I see myself as this one eager, hardworking girl who can’t wait to bloom, to meet new people, situation and challenges, to find a good, interesting job, and yes, like any other girl, was planning to get engaged, marry the one person I used to love and have his babies. Everything seems so perfect and going on well. I have everything I want right in my own hand, I score straight A’s, I did my intern with flying colors and land my first job as a junior designer for one and a half year to which I was awarded for my excellent service. My relationship was going on well, there’s even big plan as to get engaged and buy some properties together. We were eager to make a joint account and saving up for the big day. Everything seems so perfect and ideal. I had success in nearly every single thing that I did, success in relationship, success in work. My dreams went bigger and bigger. At the age of 22, I thought I had everything under my belt.


.i miss me.

And when it didn’t turn out quite right for me, everything seems to be torn apart. Dreams shattered and hopes lose. Situation sucked my faith in everything and breaks every pieces of me.

“You will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.”

And I’ve lost everything right now, well, it seems like it. I lost all my hopes, my wishes, my faith…

In other words, I have lost myself.


.where is me?.

And I’ve no clue on how to finding I back again. I’ve change a lot and nothing seems to be like the way it used to be. I am not the old me…and that feeling sucks.

When something happen, it can be a turning point for you and perhaps change the way you observe life and your own perceptive about it.

It’s how you channel it to be something else that counts. Either you take it positively or the other way around. And I’m still in confusion on channelling mine. *sigh*

I’m so tired of showing to the world that I am happy and moving on and blah blah blah for I am actually not doing okay on the inside. I put on a happy face whilst inside is crying and sobbing. I put on a brave soul outer surface whilst within I’m still all frail and scrawny. And when I feel like this, I have to abide the feeling all by myself and its making me even weaker.

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

I have a new roomie. Thank you Noreen darl…this room is not that lonely no more with you around.

At least, yang tinggal sepi hanya dalam hati. Yang lain2 dah tak sunyi lagi =)

Eurgh, trying to cheer myself up.


.omg i look like a drag.


.lurv u guyz a lot, life would be much much emptier without both of ya!.

At least, i still have them.

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib