...and a happy new year!

I am very lucky as the town has not been hitted by flood as bad as many other remote areas; Parit Bunga, Kesang and Rawang. When I first heard about the bad flood hitting Parit Bunga (the nearest part to the town); I was panicked as such thing like a massive flood has never happen before. I was being overly cautious, bombarding questions to mom "should we get our food stock ready? mineral water and reloads as well. I'd took out all the big basins and tanks outside to contain the water. Have you charged your phone, mom? The electricity might been cut off if the rain doesn't stop any soon now. Why dont we start moving our stuff upstairs, you know, just in case?" But my mom, sixty-three years old and still strong, just laughed. "Insya Allah the flood wont hit us, adik. We only have to worry about the water and food supply. We'll get some sardine and biscuits later on, okay? Relax." Having been through a lot in her life, my mom is an expert at surviving the most difficult of situations.

Sent text messages to my loved ones all over in Johore and Malacca, asking about their condition. My friends in other areas exchanged news everyday, some were evacuated while others were busy transporting water to their homes. Wawa who had been evacuated as well,text-ed me yesterday, "Abang Wawa baru nampak sekor buaya kat depan umah. Belum dapat tangkap lagi. Can you believe that? A crocodile!" It was funny and unbelievable at the same time. Two days before the flood, Wawa and I spent hours at the paddy field near her house, talking and enjoying the beautiful scenery. Who would have thought of such ill-prepared catastrophe to happen and ruined everything?

With the water supply cut off, the town is pretty dead at the moment. Not many grocery shops or restaurants were open and those that did, only serves fruit juices. You can see people carrying buckets and barrels everywhere, rushing to get water supply. I, myself had to queue up at the big pipe at 1am to get some clean water. Why late at night? Well, the line is shorter, it's safer as people wont be pushing you into the ditch and the traffic wont cause you trouble. The transporting process was a bit tricky though, as water can only be filled half into the bucket or else it would be too heavy for me to hold and would cause me to fall into the deep gutter. My biggest concern was, however, the lack of piped water which posed a health hazzard.

When the rain has finally stopped, I drove around to see how things are like in other parts of town. Took some photos though I hate to see such sight. These made me take a stepback and think of the great things I have in life - my family, my good friends, my beautiful home. What if the one that has to be evacuated is me and my mom? Mintak dijauhkan.

Big thanks to those who calls and text to check up on me. Muzzo jokingly said "We'll go to Waterworld when you get back." I will upload some of the flood photos soon.

New year is a few more days away at the time of writing this. Despite everything, I'm still looking forward to it. Hurmm..lets see what's written in the milky way for me:

Sagittarius

"Change and excitement colour your new year. There will be plenty of happiness in your love life as well as professional life. Money will flow to you easily when you do the work you love. You'll withdraw at times, though, to think and reevaluate. As long as you face all your challenges bravely and trust your own power, there will be no major health issues to worry about. Enjoy this year - it will be one of the most beautiful yet! Your pioneering spirit is taking a huge leap. Travelling, meeting surprising people and studying new concepts will take you on a road of no return. Choose the high road, and your self-esteem will be boosted."

Has 2006 changed me in any way? Yes, definitely. It has opened my eyes to new things and given me the chance to explore every nook of life, discover myself as an individual and the opportunity to do the thing I've always wanted to do: photography! While 2006 had been rough and tough, there are still things to be grateful for: knowing a few great people; natural disasters had me thinking; Italy won the world cup and jazz saves most of my boring days. But most importantly, I will carry with me all the lessons I have learnt for the past 365 days as a guidance towards a better 2007, insya Allah.

Here's wishing everyone a happy new year and salam iduladha! ^^

.wet wet wet.

The rain has pouring down non-stop for the past 48 hours. Not much could be done except to stay in-door and watch TV. I haven't seen heavy rain like this for so many years, the last time was ten years ago when it had caused the town to flood and my school had been closed down for the first time. Alhamdullilah there's no sign of flood in town now, people still went out to dine in and shop for groceries when it showed sign that it's alright to go out in the drizzling rain. But I am sure that things might get a bit worse in the perkampungan, from the Sungai Mati area and up.The plan of driving to Johor Bahru had to be cancelled as well, as my aunt called in to tell us that the big city had came to a standstill and she advised us not to come over until things are clear.

It was so so cold that mom and I did pretty much nothing but sleep, sleep and sleep. I had my favorite blanket wrapped around me all the time. You know what goes best with such balmy weather? A mug of hot milo, blanket and a book. Mom had pulled out the mattress and went to sleep so its just me, the nostalgic old songs on astro and The Zahir. The rain smelt so nice, it puts me into a melancholic mood, the sound of the raindrops led me to a thought,

"maybe next time I should just be grateful with things I dont know and haven't know yet."

Because curiosity kills the cat, I think I'm pretty much of a living corspe right now.

Anyway, apart from reading coelho's all day, I've created a few basic designs for my website too (in between playing Diner Dash and eating cookies). I browse around the net for ideas, sketched a few design that I think could work for the webbie. I wanted it to be simple, something that represent my photos and me. Most of my best photos are in black and white so I used only these two colors for my entrance page, besides i'm not good in picking colors. (the reason I think why I should just stick to photography :P) I remembered what hantz said to me when we were still new as a couple;

"Is that how you see life, dear? Only in black and white? I hope I could make you see it in colors."

Actually, its because I'm not good in picking colors. Period. Haha. But I know what he meant. And I know he never give up trying to make our lives colorful even when things were really just in black and white.

I watched a Turkish movie directed by someone named Erdogan. Pardon me if i'm mistaken, I would correct it later. It was about how TV set first come to a rural village called Haraki in the southeast of Turkey in the 70's. The lead character, Emin, was played by the director himself. Emin was touching the TV set with awe and said; "I would like to kiss the hand of this gadget's creator."

And I told myself, 'hey i would like to do the same thing too! If it wasnt for him, I would be bored to death right now.'

.it's been a hard day's night.

I went for berurut for three days straight with an old auntie who lived in a kampung called Simpang Jeram. Aged 74yrs old, she is still healthy and takes upah as a masseuse. It looked like two parts of my body had been swollen of what she called as 'angin'. This is due to all the long walks, driving through heavy traffics and carrying heavy bags. My neck had stiffen for days, my back, painful as usual and I can't raise my right hand any high. I have learnt that my body had swollen so bad. Mak Long Nyah, as what I called her, has been the family's masseuse for many years. I took off my shirt and covered my naked body with a piece of old kain batik, and as soon as she touched the right side of my back she said 'Ya Allah! Bengkak teruk dah ni! Kenapa dibiar?' and so for the rest of the morning, I tried my very best not to cry and scream whenever Mak Long Nyah touched the swollen vein and did her massage.

She is a merry person with lots of life stories to tell. Her voice is soft and motherly and somewhat healing. The massage session usually takes one to two hours, depending on how bad your condition is, in my case it was two and a half hours. The payment is just RM15 per session, cheaper than any massage centre in KL! RM15 for a whole body massage, merry stories, tea and biscuits compared to a rm45 for half an hour session with some Thai masseuse, well I'll say its by far worth the scream. There are times when I walked past a massage center and think 'Should I get my massage here?' but the thoughts of a stranger touching my body stoppes me. I paid (well, actually mom paid her for me) RM50 and left her house feeling happy with my body felt light and good. Thank you Mak Long! The next step to pamper myself? Lulur! I'll go for a lulur session tomorrow. It's time to love myself more and more.

While I'm busy loving myself here in Muar, I missed some of the art events held in KL. So I sms-ed my friends to know how it went. 'I hardly know anyone there so I didn't quite enjoy myself, Ib. Its like going to an open house instead of going to an art event.' my friend said. 'Eventhough they preach about 'Art for Everyone. Come and be a part of the family' but its just BS. You have to know some people in the scene in order to be a part of it. I personally think that half of those who came today dont even know shit and care less about fine art.' I had to agree with him. Frankly, that is how the art circle in Malaysia is, it is indeed small and close-knit. I didn't say I know much about it but from what I've been told by my art lover friends who goes to events and exhibitions regularly, I could say that if you know anyone from the art scene then chances of you to be a part of the art family is bigger. Its like a ticket. Hey, the same might happen in other industries as well. It's always easier to make a way or climb the ladder if you-know-who. Myself included. But it depends on how you see it. When you struggled to establish yourself, a helping hand from these people are always appreciated.

I'm pretty lucky to know some of the good people in the industry who are always willing to help and share their knowledge. I still owe it to Riz for introducing me to the digital camera magazine that has '50 useful tips on how to be a great photographer.' To me, as much as they support me with whatever I'm doing, I will return them the same favor.

While its always good to look at creative artworks of friends, I'm more into photography nowadays. While a designer can turn a photograph to be an artsy-tartsy design, I prefer it to be original. One of my favorite photographer apart from Steve McCurry, is Annie Leibovitz, a famous American potrait photographer. And recently I read about her in one of the daily newspaper and came across a very useful tips shared by her. She said 'Start with the people near you, your family and friends. Stay close to home. After all, tbey are the ones who have to put up with you.' And she admitted that her best photos are of these people 'because i spend the longest time with them.'

Indeed.

Here are some of my favorite's of Annie's images.



.the famous rolling stone's cover mag.


.her family photos.

.can i do this?.

i came across a few photography websites today. i look at myself and asked;

'can i do this? will i be able to survive?'

it is pretty scary but something need to be done. hopefully the design for my website would be finish soon so I would have a proper one instead of flickr.

haha abby i curi gambar from your flickr! jangan mare haa! i'll upload mine soon if i had edited them.

both salmi and i wore the same color, the same accesorries, the same pose except for the fringe! thank you, again, for the treat and presents girls! abby, the bag has been successfully stashed with...clothes! properly folded!

hurmm....i miss muzzo and zatyl.

---

Azrin asked; 'why are you running away?' What do you mean?' I asked him back. 'Running away from yourself.' Was i? 'Maybe I'm only running away from the word l.o.v.e.' He asked again, 'Why?' 'Because the heartache I got was one nasty feeling its unbearable. I can't afford another break-up.' He gave me the smile icon and said 'maybe life's like that. sometimes, you need to open up your heart so you could find him.' Yeah, perhaps. Like I said, what's life without love? But it wont happen now or tomorrow. It takes time for the wound to heal. 'Lets stop discussing about this love thing-y, ibah...because it makes you sad.'

It makes me sad and stronger at the same time.

When there is no friend,
When life is on the dead end,
When world is not a paradise,
When your confidence dies,
Tell yourself - Go on, THIS IS LIFE!

When things don't go right,
When there is no ray of light,
And its too hard to survive,
Tell yourself - Go on, THIS IS LIFE!

When there is competition to face,
When you are lagging behind in the race,
When you're betrayed by a fraud,
Tell yourself - Go on, THIS IS LIFE!

When others don't respect you,
When you're not amongst the admirable few,
When for a question, you can't find a solution,
When all you're sure about, is confusion,
Tell yourself - Go on, THIS IS LIFE!

When your destination is miles apart,
When you don't know where to start,
When all you see around is pain,
When your hardwork is in vain,
Tell yourself - Go on, THIS IS LIFE!
Even though all this happens
just have faith in self & face the life with smile,
things will surely change one day because as said "THIS IS LIFE ...

oh, well.


.chilli's, chilling and freezing!.

.a life on its own.

I have been absent. Things were quiet and normal for me in the past few weeks. Its one of those days where I feel like doing something else other than sitting in front of my lappy for hours. Since I got back home, my lappy has been well hidden in the bag and under the bed. The only time I took her out was because I want to make sure it's still there. I wake up early every morning, make myself cups of hot milo and scrambled eggs, turn on the telly and channel surfing. I did some painting in the afternoon, took some naps in the evening and watched late night movies. My fav is 'Lemony Snicket's - A Series of Unfortunate Events'. It never fails to inspire me.

No internet. No handphones. Just decent and ordinary.

I'm sorry for not replying text messages or says hello. A friend asked 'How's your birthday? There's no updates on it on your blog so I was just wondering...' What can I say? I just dont feel like making my birthday bloggable. There's unwanted creatures who likes to poke their nose into other people's business so why offer them news?
But anyway, its good to be home. Home is where my heart is. Home is where I will come back to when I have been out all day, feeling tired from poking my nose into the business of my life.

And speaking of life, lately, I've been asking myself this question, 'What is life to me?'

Life is about enjoying it, celebrating cherish moments and be happy. Wasting the day by looking at the clouds, going out for a drink with friends or celebrating anniversary with loved ones. Taking my time walking slowly down the road and not disturb with serious thinking over where life is directing. Oh, how i love taking my time. A life where I dont have to be at the front seat driving but sitting at the back seat, stretching and enjoying the ride. But life is about taking risks too. Everyday, we are given chances and options to choose from. Its all up to us to carefully decide because our decisions has its effect that might change our life forever. Looking back, I have been rebellious and somewhat demanding. I love the good things of life and always on the lookout for it. I'll do as I please, I dont do what people told me to do, a brat like me just wont listen. I made sure that things went on the way I wanted them to be. Yes, things must go my way and I have my own way of making it done. 'She will always finds a door', as what my sister Julie would say to my mom. 'She just wants a way out, mummy. She just doesnt care as long as there's a an open door waiting for her.' Probably that's how I always see life. There's always two doors. If one door is closed then another one will open. If both doors are closed, knock politely. I could even imagine myself breaking into it before knocking.

Sometimes,in the silence of my quiet defiance, I say to myself 'How good it would be to be free. Its tiring: struggling and fighting.' All my life I have been busy planning and preparing for a lifetime. Tried to change things I could not change, fighting for things that doesnt make any sense to anyone. And as I grew older, I feel like its not my fight anymore, I just want to let things be. I take my time to look at life a bit more closer and asked myself 'When did it happen? This thing we called life.' John Lennon once said 'Life happens when you are busy planning for a lifetime.' Well, that's before he got shot with a .38 calibre revolver outside the Dakota Building but he was right. I tried to deny the fact that I've missed an awful lot on life but reality bites me in the head. A dreadfully, dreadful truth I'm still trying to swallow down my throat.

So I jumped into the rabbit hole, out of desperation, thinking that heck I might get out clean and unchanged. But did I? The answer is, no. I mean, how can that possibly be?

Maybe sometimes I got it all wrong the moment I think things has finally gone right. Fear prevails, holding me back when I tried to move on. I surrender my trust more than I should allow when I already know that trust can only be given out to those I really have faith in. It's a tough job not to succumb. It takes all the courage in me and also an enormous self-control to stay firm on the ground when people try to knock me over and over again. All those nocturnal nights that keeps me awake made me think of what I should and shouldn't have done. I thought that I was stronger but life has proved otherwise. Perhaps the thing that always fill me with fear wasn't the uncertainties that lies ahead of me, but my own shadow.

I have picked up my life lesson after I'd jumped into the rabbit hole. I've learned that something that you do in an instant, could cause you a heartache for life. I've learned that sometimes the people that you love most in life, are taken from you too soon. I've learned that either you control your attitude, or it controls you. I've learned that sometimes when i am angry i have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be mean and take advantage of the situation. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived. I've learned that there are certain things that you just have to let go in order for you to be free and have a peace of mind. I've learned when to speak my mind out loud and when to just sit down and listen. I've learned when to keep things to myself and when to share it with others. I've learned that no matter how much I desire to fly freely, I should not forget my origin and always stick to what I believe in. I've learned from what hurts me as well as what loves me.

And I've also learned that I can keep going, long after I think I can't.

There are times when people start telling me what I can do or cannot do and start having an opinion about who I am, how I've been raised by my family, how I should deal with my life and even about all the little petty things like the guys I've dated and the way I dress. I've asked myself 'Do they really care or do they just need to appear dogmatic?' But having to meet lots of different types of people, I can tell which is which. I really wanted to hit them over the head and yell 'Hello, look at yourself first before you can even say my name!' but being a quiet person that I am, I just let the imagine lived vividly in my head as what my friend always told me, 'give them the benefit of a doubt'.

I may not be that smart or clever, pretty, cool, clean and well-dressed, or enthusiastic and opinionated. I may be this silly madgirl who needs a huge makeover in order for her to walk proudly in the crowd. But being who I was and who I am, it doesn't matter if I am not all that because I dont need to be anyone else other than me. All that is important for me is to find the open door. There must be people out there who will take me and my dreams seriously. Everyone deserves a shot and all I want is a fresh start somewhere.

I believe, with or without voices, with or without explanations,that the time for everything to fall into pieces will arrive one day. I'll just have to wait with great patience for the moment to come. It has not been a good year for me but that will change. If you have been in a difficult situation where things might get a bit desperate and beyond hope, that it is urgently needed to be changed because you need it to look promising not just to yourself but to others as well, so to convince you and the rest of the world that things are actually fine the way they are, then you know how I feel.

And secretly I wish for that someone, yes, the right person to come along my way, to take my hand and walk every nook of life with me. I want to look at his lovely, clean face and see myself reflected in him. Someone who would make me feel happy and confident and keeps me that way. A humble, respected person who love kids and nostalgic songs. What is life without love?

Well, anyway, I just thank Him for giving me the chance to live my day the best that I could through this twenty four years of living. :))

P/s haikal doesnt even have the time to write his meetings in his diary. there goes your name dear. *wink*

.hello earthlings.

i dont like the bg color but whattheheck..i haven't got the time to edit anything but the header.

flickr updated. feel free to browse around. its better to have a look at the photos than reading craps i write in my blog.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ibcubuz

enjoy!

----

BIG THANKS to all; for the wishes, warm hugs and sloppy kisses on my cheeks, lunch and dinner treats and of course the presents! many many thank you! i had the loveliest birthday. from the 25th up to today, you guys havent stop talking about the celebration! pretty overwhelmed! tihihi. I dont have to mention names, you guys know who you are! love lots!

*huggy huggy hug*

.oil pastel.

i'm suppose to write something here but the words just slipped away.