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.little miss kebaya.

Woke up feeling merrier than usual. Took a long quiet shower and the fruity scent on my hair lift my spirit up. Wore my green Zara top (the only one i have) with rustic gold necklace. I know, i dont usually dress up girly dolly. Today's just one of those days i feel like stepping out of the house feeling all fresh and beautiful.

I'm the terrifying girl-next-door you'd probably ever seen. Old worn out jeans, tahapehape top, the same pumps i've been wearing for the past 36 days, hair tied up in bun kinda terrifying. My guy friends have a lot better fashion sense than i do.

But, its not whats outside that matters ey? Its what inside.

I've been eyeing one black kebaya nyonya for quite some time now. Think, i will get my hands on it pretty soon. Cant wait! Been telling a friend about it and in his email he replied "I think you'll look splendid in kebaya. Make sure its like tonggek a bit." He meant a pair of stilletto.

Ahh, I love kebaya nyonya. It brings out the feminine in me. Think, i should be born peranakan instead of a bugis-an. Imagine myself wearing kebaya at home, making puddings and serving tea for lovely guests. All prim and proper like a true women.

Only if.

Missed my sahur again, sister forgot to wake me up. "How can you forget? Mom never forget to wake me up for sahur!" It was sad really, that my mom had went back home to Muar and is getting ready for raya. "Well, tak boleh bangun sendiri ke?" She got a point.

Lets hope hunger wont bite my head off for the rest of the evening.

.young and eighteen.

Do you still remember when you were young and eighteen? All carefree and ambitious. Just finished high school and was eager to venture into what people call 'the real life'. The world seems to revolve around art, music, trial and error. I grew up being crazy and defiant yet very disciplined at the same time. I cant remember exactly how i balanced myself then but i did it pretty well. I expressed myself out loud through what i wear but i managed to stay out of trouble.

I would go to kino everyday after class, looking at design books or read mags. I am not a bookish person, i dont read real stuff, but somehow that place keeps me company. Sometimes, i would take a quiet stroll at the park and people-watch. I kept a diary in my bag at all times so i could write in my feelings everyday. I would go to a hidden cyber cafe somewhere around Pudu to write emails to friends if i feel like it. From there i would then take a walk down the Jalan Petaling to get to CM where i will spend hours and hours hanging out by myself.

Pretty much a loner, huh?

I dont bother much about people, then. I have only a small group of friends whom i kept close to heart. In rebellion during my teens, I chose to live in the opposite direction most of my friends went to. I even dated guys who wasnt from my college; i can recall there were a banker, a rider, a dude from other college and yea...thats pretty much about it. Wait, i dated a classmate of mine once. You've seen the movie 10 things i hate about you? Yea, he's Patrick Verona kinda guy. I dated mr wild. Very dark and mysterious, misunderstood but very intelligent. He speaks five languages and is very artsy tartsy. Remembered how he'll skip class and waited for me for hours at the parking lot just to walk me to the bus stop. One day he waited in a shining beamer to take me out on a date. 'I stole it last night.' I believed him and thought it was pretty cool (mind me, i was eighteen and very foolish) That is until his dad called and yelled at him to return the car before 6pm. Silly.

But yes, I lived only for the moments and the people around me. Most of that has not changed, i am still pretty much a loner at heart and i dont bother much about other people who is less important. I miss being young and eighteen. I miss being so merry and overly optimistic.

Gosh, i must bore you people to death whimpering about my past. Heh. Sorry, i have so much time tonight to write in my thoughts properly hence the stupid curiosity.

My first day of Ramadhan at work wasnt that bad except having to drive to KJ just to pick up a laptop for a customer when the clock already striked 4.35pm was quite a pissy. Right after iftar, received a happy call from London. The usual chirpy 'Hi ibah!' was a bit formal that i didnt recognized Naufal immediately.

I'm gonna resume to Paulo Coelho now. Its not like i can baring-baring and read my book everyday like this.

.selamat berpuasa.

To all my moslem friends all over, dekat dan jauh...in and out of malaysia...

Happy Ramadhan!

Selamat berpuasa.
Selamat menjalankan ibadah tarawikh.
Selamat iftar.
Selamat 'berperang' di pasar ramadhan.
Selamat balik awal.
Selamat makan karipap dalam kereta kalau tersangkut dalam traffic jam.
Selamat menjalani ibadah mulia ini dengan penuh takwa dan iman.

Amin!

.thank you.

i wanna tell you something....

my friends, they are all amazing and wonderful. not to mention, genius and smart. they are what makes up my whole world. so today, i just wanna say a little thank you, to all these people listed below, for always being there for me through thick and thin, loving me despite my silly behaviour around them, for taking care of me unconditionally, watching my back when i am unaware and mostly, simply for still being friends with me through out these years.

muzzo; who broke his leg the other day- thank you for being such a loving big brother and thank you for just being you. i love you, bitch...you know that right? no? i'm gonna break your other leg after this just you wait.

zatyl; who loves polka dot just like me- you are my soulmate, love. you are my dearest little sister and so you know, i will always watch your back...especially masa ko parking kereta dan drive on a busy road. tyl, i will always be there for you no matter what, remember that! we stick with each other and no one could break us apart, love.

azoe; my sweet chubbycupcake- thank you for.....actually no words can ever be enough to thank you. just dont stop your love and care for me will ya? *big carebear hug* i might no always tell you this but...i love you more than you will always know.

eka; my favorite guy on earth- cant thank you less for always being my 'ear', watching my back, sharing thoughts and feelings, lending me your camera when i didnt bring mine, for being such a dear dear dear friend to me! for being my magic (yea yea i know this word is so sick to you), for not lala-ing my ass eventhough i know you want to, for being my lovely lovely brother, for all those sweet loving advice that reminds me 'wow there is actually pieces of advices that work!'

naufal; who is far in london- sweet, missing you so very dearly, come back quick and give me a hug! i blardy need one now! thank you for being such a dear friend all this while, being my listener when i need a friend, hug me when i am scared, pick me up at the airport and lemme listen to the beatles songs; never give me up asking me out for dinner eventhough i'm always super busy; thank you for the jazz cd and love actually soundtrack (i listened to it everday now) and fal, come back quick :(

yana; who loves lomo a lot; dont cry, babe. you got us (muzzy, zatyl and me) who loves you more than he does.

abby; my great philosopher- thank you for being the great babe that you are, thank you for your suprise calls, thank you for the great parties you always invites me too, thank you for always listening when i need someone to talk to, and please remember that between pain and pleasure...as a friend, i will not give u pain but sweet pleasure that will make your day.

salmi; my bestest friend since forever- awak saya miss awak sangat! apsal busy busy je ni? awak jaga diri okay, saya call awak masa awak kena rob tu tapi awak tak angkat awak buat saya risau tau, thank you salmi, for being my friend for nearly eleven years and still is my best friend despite the fight, the arguement, all those silly talks has makes us closer than ever kan? saya sangat sayang awak cik salmi! awak sayang saya tak? *hug hug hug*

shakirah; who is gonna be a mommy soon- aku tau ko takkan baca bende ni...but who cares. here's a big hug for my fav babe in the world. MY BESTEST FRIEND FOREVER. if anyone should ever ask me 'what is a friend' i shall say your name out loud. nak cerita pasal kau kat sini mmg tak cukup tempat but hey, you know who you are in my life, girl. 13 years and still going on strong! (right after i send her this words through ym she smile, cried and hug me....using icon!)

and of course, to my kawan-kawan yang susah nak jumpa but always sending me hugs and sweet thoughts:

jeremy; my cute photographer friend- thank you for the kind words when i was being pressured at work, you such a dear! (he wrote me this a while ago: Jeremy: dear ibah, you really need to have a break) how can i not love this guy???

acal; my little bro- acalllllllllllll balik mesia cepat! doha panas! awak balik sini saya belanja awak minum air mineral k? thank you for teman-ing me through ym every night at the office, kido!

jying; my 'mapster' - babelicious, babelicious babelicious, bila nak get together ni? i owe u coffee!
muid; the groovy bro- you rock, bro. you rock!

jane; my secret muse- love you sweetie. missing you as i have not talk to you for days now. you are the charm who will always charm me :) and no, you are not big.

anis; kau yang durhaka- ANIS COMEL ANIS COMEL LALALALA, aku nak gi kelantan lagi nak jumpa tok mi!

man, wawa, hairy- AKU RINDU KORANG! AKU SAYANG KORANG SANGAT2! tunggu aku balik muo kita jumpa and lepak bersama ye! hairy.....mana greys anatomy aku ni???

mukhriz- pakcik, i miss you. tu je aku leh cakap.

iera; kawan ku di ofis- love you always iera, thank you sbb hari2 dtg kacau ibah kat my cubicle and thank you sbb teman ibah nangis this morning *hugs*

azrin; the biskut kid- ahoy! miss you too! ramadhan is just around the corner so....yea lets go buka together!

and for the one person whose name i will never mention in my blog; thank you. for being my giant, for being my love, for still being what he says 'b, you tak nak gang dengan i dah ke?' eventhough there are times i wanna push him away. for still being who he is before and after. i love you. unconditionally. i know i get on your nerve everytime but...i'm just being me. okay? now lets go mamak shall we? :P

and to those who have been reading my blog all this while; thank you for always reading my stupid crap. you want a hug too? come here....*BIG HUG* and those whose names i forgot to mention, love you still wherever you are.

i used to have trouble with some people who is now no longer my friends (should i thank them for that too, yes?) but hey...in this life, friends are those who is still friends no matter how stormy the friendship can get. no matter if i call them stupid or lesbian in front or behind their back. friends stays. they dont go break up the friendship for no stupid apparent reason. you can bitch about me, hurt me or whatever but hey...i hold no grudge. i wish you guys well.

and so if you think you can come in between my friends and i, think again. do you think they will be bothered by you? gosh. the attempts of trying to hurt me or my friends....well, it just wont work. we arent pissed off instead we laugh about it and just wont bother. so stop making a fool out of yourself and lets be good people!

a coupla days ago, naufal dropped his handphone at the airport and a guy named ameer found it. ameer called me up and wanted to return the handphone back. such a generous person he is! see, there is so much kindness in the world that makes me believe this person who seems to not give up hurting me is actually a good person too.

you might be reading this, fella, whoever you are, so i will say this to you: ' i am not angry. i pray everyday that Allah will opens up your mind, change your heart for the better and one day, insya Allah you will see that there is more to life than all this crap. Allah is great. If you have anything against me, stop and seek for His guidance and forgiveness and He will return your call and let you in. Have faith in Him. He's the One whom all of us should always turn to and open up ourselves to Him, not attacking each other and buat dosa like this.'

You, my dear anonymous, you can try till u wanna give up but know one thing: you are always in my prayer. Thank you for what you've done, it just makes me stronger everyday :)

Amin.

.my life of late.

is well...mundane.

Life is getting me down.
So very busy with work.
Pressure. Pressure. Pressure.
Feeling very unhealthy and sad.
Finally got a room to rent in. Finally.
Drank too much coffee the past five days.
Annoyed with some people at the workplace.
Keep telling own self to take it easy, but to no avail.
Secretly wanna knock the slow walking people on their head.
Keep misplacing car keys, house keys, handphone, touch card.
Wondering if memory is failing due to coffee consumption as this is the third day cannot recall what happened last weekend.

LAST WEEKEND! NOW I REMEMBER!

Watched Atilia's live performance at wine room with sweet friends. How can i forget leyy?? But now that the vibe is kinda over, cant really blog the story in as i....cant...remember...how...it was...like *long pause* but twas great and fun, am sure.

Note to self: coffee...two is fine. three is already too much. five? you nuts.

Cant wait for ramadhan. Hopefully, its gonna be a blissfull one, as always, and that the bulan yang penuh mulia dan kerahmatan will help me to pick myself up again and be happy, insya Allah.

Something is missing from my life, right now...but what is it that is amiss? That question lingers in my mind for the past couple of days. I can feel the emptiness, i feel hollow and i feel all sorts of sadness swirling around me. Feel like i'm standing right on the edge waiting for the right time to jump. And fly.

Only that, i'm afraid of flying.

This matter came as quite a surprise for me as I thought I’ve answered it perfectly. But then when I start ponder a little deeper, and consulted my inner feelings I began to realize that something is wrong, there is one little missing in the puzzle. Similar frustration overcome all my emotions, I began to madly search for the answer to why I am doing anything at all.

And you know whats funny? Okay, maybe i'm the only one who think its funny. Ehem. Men; no matter how much we love them, pamper them, mollycoddle 'em like a sick child or cook them great food ala nigella, if they dont want you...nothing, (and i mean nothing with a capital N) will make them stay.

But..

those men who really loves you, no matter how you'll try to push 'em away...they'll keep coming back. Meaning that, he is yours to keep. And hell, yea...keep him, keep those who loves you.

And the funny side is, no matter how i cry this out loud to myself.....i can never understand the whole process, keep forgetting it and always always fell for the wrong person and hurt my own feelings.

This, my dear friends, is the reason why.....i do not want to get too close to any guys and rip open my heart for them. Not this time. I know the trick, i know the crap, i know all the consequences...i pratically know my bullshit.

Not even sweet charms can woo me.

I dont wanna get hurt. Dont hurt me and i wont hurt you in return. Love me? stay. You dont? Move away. Easy.

Aper lah yang aku membebel ni?

But then again, after all these whimpering...the one person who hold the remote control to be in the command of everything thats been spinning madness....is me.

So, ib. Patience. Control yourself. For your own good, sweetie.

.a jazzy night.

I want to write more about my saturday night, but photos are all i can post up right now. You mind?





...and of course, more (decent) photos coming up!



(and i curik these from abby :P so lazy ah to edit mine)
 

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