.just another panic wednesday.

So much to blog about but yet so little time to post it up.

Very tied up with assignments, final exams, workloads and errands. Been running here and there and everywhere these past few weeks.

Azuar just quoted to me “don’t let the blog controls you, hun.”

But I need to blog, seriously. I haven’t been blogging for quite a long time (eleven days seems like a very long time for a fanatical blogger like me) *finger twitching* Even Muzzo did update his blog nowadays, three entries in a week! A stupid entry would at least satisfy my empty and dying heart. This post is merely a short break from my hectic life. *dances on toes*

I haven’t been online too. Miss chatting with everyone. I did on my ym last night though, and did a quick catch up with muzzafar and spike. Today, I managed to overcome my laziness, woke up early in the morning (without the usual ‘tarik selimut and tidur balik’ routine), do some yoga (not), feed the fish (wait wait no there’s no sign of pet anywhere to be seen) pay the gardener for cutting my lawn (oops wait I forgot that I live in townhouse, 3rd floor) okay I’m starting to feel drowsy. *tumbles*

I’ve been driving like mad cow, back and forth to KL-Johore. I managed to spend some days with wawa, rahman and visit Ler who has been hospitalized without me knowing. Attend wawa’s berinai day and nearly shed a tear for not coming to her wedding day. And then there’s my nephews’ lovely birthday party, thanks to Muhkriz and Amril for coming over. You guys are the highlight of my day. Muhkriz showed me the poster I made for Soul Infinity which he’s going to hang it on his office’s wall *thank you, hugs* and handed me my name card. Wow. My first official name card. Wow. Snap a few photos of little muzzo (ahmad Danish aqeel is his name) who shyly posed for me. The resemblance of the two : Muzzafar Shah and Danish, plus other coincidences are simply…amazing, amuse me in some way. Wish I could take the two of them out to the park and let them play together (muzzo stop kicking the kid’s ass) and snippy snippily snap. Aww.

Holiday is just around the corner but yet work seems to be piling up instead of easing down. Hmph. I just can’t wait for the semester to be over and whiling away my humdrum life with workloads (which I really love doing right now instead of studying and doing assignments until my face turns purple) and kick ass re: shoot amazing photos of self and everyday people. I might spend some time with my Azuar before he leaves for Kuching *sniff* might suggest a mini-break like Bridget’s or just chill out, reading at Kino and daydreaming in the park, watching the clouds go by and if the rain happens to pour on us, I might suggest we dance in the rain, drench and catch cold together. *I know this may cause everyone nausea hurhur * lalala pardon me. Ehem. Muhkriz already planned on what we should be doing during my holiday which involves some shootings, adventures, boats, islands, shamsul’s yellow jeep and mosquito bites. Sounds fun to me. Even more fun with Muhkriz’s craziness. He promised to bring me for a foot massage and buy my first guitar. Yay.

Did some grocery shopping with Azuar yesterday, our first together. Had meatball bolognaise for lunch, met Shafique at Starbucks; who I haven’t met for three years and went to Kino. Emm. What else? Am manically trying to fit the eleven days activity into one entry here while trying to breath with one nostril. (the right one is blocked) huff.

Damn. How can I forget? The highlight of my day: I’ve cut my hair. Short. Erotically short. Short as in short with short fringe and sideburns. Short where I don’t have to grumpily find my comb in the morning, hysterically trying to get the fringe to fall beautifully, failed and end up reading practical photography mag to calm self down. I was quite…agitated for the result, scaring the hairdresser with manic comments and constant sarcastic remarks. Even came up with own stupid self-made theory over colored hair. Must have scared the shit out of her. She might think I’m nutty or something. *imagine her running around the salon shouting ‘help help this loony is driving me nuts!’ and frantically hit my head with her hairdryer* The result was…voila! It does change my look, kinda weird having a short haircut, haven’t chopped it off this short for nearly 5 years. Remembered what Abby said to me before; “Men tend to bed the long-haired gal whilst keeping their respect on the short-haired chics.” It’s either to be respected or to be bed, she said. Muhkriz who has an eye for short-crop hairstyle gal once told me that ‘kita orang seni. Benda yang orang anggap cantik tak selalunya cantik pada mata kita. Short hair gal is always confidently sexy.’.Hurhur. Am happy with new hair. Wiwiwi.

.be your own shrink.

I had an amusing read yesterday at Kino. I read ‘Be Your Own Shrink’ by Dr Kevin Lamen. He wrote about the four temperaments and birth study. One of the most reliable means of learning to know oneself is the study of the temperaments. Out of four: sanguine, choleric, melancholic and phlegmatic, I see myself as a mixture of seeker sanguine and focuser melancholic (though I still see myself as a cloudoholic).

Sanguine indicates the personality of an individual with the temperament of blood, the season of spring (wet and hot), and the element of air. A person who is sanguine is generally optimistic, cheerful, even-tempered, confident, rational, popular, and fun-loving. They can be daydreamy to the point of not accomplishing anything and impulsive, acting on whims in an unpredictable fashion. a person who was a thoughtful ponderer had a melancholic disposition. Often very kind and considerate, melancholics can be highly creative - as in poets and artists - but also can become overly obsessed on the tragedy and cruelty in the world, thus becoming depressed. It also indicates the season of autumn (dry and cold) and the element of earth.

Cool, so I am a manic and depressed person. It said that both sanguines and melancholic could suffer the bipolar disorder (describing a class of mood disorders where the person experiences states or episodes of depression or mania, hypomania, and/or mixed states). Hah. Cool.

I am extroverted so it is more likely that I am a mixture of a carefree, easygoing person who can turn to be this very anxious and moody bitch. I have both quality of the sensation perceiving and intuitive feeling. Sanguine is described as the novelty seeker while melancholic the reward dependence. I playfully think about my friends and try to put them into the four.

And then there’s this Lamen’s discovery of birth study to which he divides into: firstborn, lastborn (often called baby bweks), middle born and only born. Yeah, lastborn is an attention seeker. I am. Why? Cause I’m the youngest. Hah. But the best part of the book is where he taught us how to know whether a person is a lastborn, firstborn etc by listing three childhood memories. I listed mine and bammm it hit me right on the face! Being the youngest, I was a popular kid in school where I am the center of attention. I was a prefect who is a top scorer and the most active student. I started to dance when I was five, where I won my first award in ‘Tarian Kreatif’ and has been actively involved in dancing, singing, choir, theatre, writing, debates, poetry, quizzes, netball and handball. Yeah yeah I conquer it all, greedy me hah? I lived in rumours and gossips in the first twelve years of schooling. Backstabbers loves me, I have rivals who would love to spread rumour that I am the adopted kid and that I colored my hair to red (its brown you idiot and its original) blah blah blah. I think I was hated by many and understood by few back then. The popular lastborn sanguine I am.

And I chose to be out of the limelight when I was in high school, mainly because I am so tired of being in the centre of everyone’s attention. People expect too much of me, I have to be this perfect daughter, the perfect student..perfect perfect perfect. Gah. I was a bit of the melancholy type in high school, who wrote poetry and paints. Dark and moody I was. Not the cheerful positive twelve years old. Haha. If one were to ask who is Ibah when she was 15, people would say "ooh she’s the one who sketch cartoon and write short novels and lyrics. There there the one in the corner."

I wonder what kind of person I am now.

I just hope I treat people right, be nice to everyone and favour them with all the kindness and love I can give.

I am sorry if I ever treat you wrong or make you uncomfortable by being around you or your loved ones. Lo siento. I'm just being ibah.

Pardon me.

\\i//


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.the edge of reason.

The outdoor photography was cancelled. It was a bit frustrating since I was really looking forward to it. A tree crashed on Yati’s fiance’s car that she has to go back immediately. Humph.

It’s good to be back home. Lying on my old bed and sms-ing old friends. Muhkriz brought me to Jalan Arab for his jamming session with his friends. It was my first and I had so much fun. The boys are funny and polite so I felt comfortable after a few songs, listening to them while munching a cold chicken burger with exceeded amount of mayo.

Everyone was at home, the whole family. The family luncheons and dinners were great with the little children saying their prayer over the dinner table. I felt so much at home, after spending few weeks with workloads and party time with my kl-ites friends. I missed the chance to meet wawa and rahman but I did visit my cousin and aunt. They seem to miss me a whole lot too. I think I should make it up with wawa and rahman if I happen to go home again soon. A quiet evening with the two of them would be nice, without nieces distracting my outing plan.

Now that I’m back in KL, I silently plan my days, to finish up my piling assignments and work and other errands. Muhkriz is still in Muar so I have a few days to catch up with friends and ‘stuff’ I’ve been missing. Watched the replay of the final FA cup with Yat and Wa ( Yat nearly murtad herself to be a Liverpool fan haha but she chose to sleep half way) I missed the live telecast of the match ( I shouted goal in the loud confused noise of drum and bass). Thank you, Azuar for saving up the match info from me. I nearly killed him (I strangled him for the straight 90minutes) when Gerrard scored the last goal, oh my it was a beautiful one. Okay so they say "ala dgn west ham boleh lah" but heck they won the FA cup (boo Man Utd) after all haha.

Went to KLCC yesterday for lunch. We then headed down (or is it up?) to Kino and was drown in books. It was a beautiful day and we had so much fun reading poetry quietly in the corner. Now ‘The Poetry of Pablo Neruda’ is up on my wishlist (shuddurp yat) I love chic lit, and its amusing how the three of us have different tang in books. Yat with her poetry, Wa with his literature and classical stuff and me being the stupidest out of the three, read chic lit haha. I think probably because I love simple things. Like Fielding, she wrote simple stuff but yet they are full of beans and vigorous. And hers are bestsellers. I felt like farking Bridgie most of the time, often because my words/comments/writing are always overstated. And speaking of Helen girl, thank you Azuar for buying me the book *big hugs* siempre lo amaré ♥ me dio un libro en rústica! *abrazar fuertemente* wiwiwiwi

Bridget is back. V.good.


Happy reading, Ib.


.ooh here's the book i want =P.


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.in confusion, came a rescue.

I need to blog but then my mind went numb *frustrated look*

It’s been hell at the office. Muhkriz and I had trouble facing typical non-educated idiot people.
I was about to sleep when I received a call from Muhkriz who sounded tired and troubled. “I need you at the office. Can you come over?” So woosh go Ibah to the rescue. It was a long and tiring day for us, waiting for… I don’t know…uncertainties? We managed to finish up the commercial’s storyboard. The presentation did turn out lovely, and yes we did get hold of the job.

But are we interested to get involved with the project? Hah.

It was frustrating when all the hard work we struggled to make it happen goes all wasted, even more maddening when other people get credited for it. Muhkriz was annoyed, but he managed to say it calmly “Let it be. Mungkin bukan rezeki kita.”

It was a frustrating day indeed, so we went on a ride on ‘roller coaster’ that night, searching for some answers and conviction. Had a late supper somewhere in Damansara. The food? It didn’t taste that good or was it because of my troubled mind? Honestly, that night I felt, defeated. As an individual, as a friend, as a woman. I want to know my worth of existence in this life.

It was getting late by the time we reached Subang. The actual plan was to crush at Haidar’s place but something came up so Muhkriz had to drive me back to CJ. (even though he wasn’t in a good mood and without license).

Muhkriz: I’m glad that I have you as a friend, I’m even proud of having you.
Me: Oh.
Muhkriz: Ibah, are you sad or something? Are you okay?
Me: …

Okay, I can’t help myself but to cry. I told Muhkriz everything, the doubts in mind and the confusion I’m facing. He tried to comfort me and suddenly felt guilty for telling him my probs since his was even much bigger. In nuisance, we hang out at the mamak up to 6 in the morning, trying to console each other’s little soul. *Thank God for a good friend* For the first time after knowing Muhkriz since those days he visited me during Raya with his samping and faux-hawk hair, he actually really listened to me and show his attention. *sniff* He even did a magic, well not practically magic but the trick did work. Reminds me of Asrine’s ‘fire magic’, where he lights a fire on his palm and said “look, that’s you.” *sniff*

Thank you Muhkriz, though a simple thank can’t show how much I appreciate your help in everything.

*hugs Muhkriz and Haidar*

Love you guys a lot.


Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.tired tired.

Gosh I haven’t had enough sleep and rest lately.

I went to work on Tuesday evening, after spending half of my day with Noreen who wanted to hunt for shades. Was working on a storyboard for a TV ad with Muhkriz. That and the website. It was tiring, but I had fun working on the storyboard. Both Muhkriz and I didn’t quite agree with the client’s storyline and ideas but then we managed to exaggerate the whole idea and make it more interesting.

I just reached home, missed my blog and lappy so dearly. I can’t wait to get home and switch my lappy on but Muhkriz was delaying things. Had to follow him to the Gazebo to meet his friend for a business talk. Lucky Finaz was around, the two of us had a girl’s talk at Pelita instead of joining the guys.

Hurf am so sleepy and tired at the moment. I only cope to blog this.

And i got a class to catch tomorrow morning. Dammmmmmm

o_O

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib

.something missing.

I’ve been missing everyone lately. Yang nun jauh di mata, tapi dekat di hati.

My cousin, Sis Siti, and her four months pregnancy.
My best friend, Wawa who’s getting married this month.
My best buddies in Muar, Rahman, Hairy, Vicky, Ito. Miss to hang out with them.
My best friends in high school; Anem, Salmi, Sara. Two of them are getting married this year.
My gal friends; Siew Ming, Lee Teng and Shazlin my dear.

And speaking of marriage, I had to cancelled my plan to visit an art event organized by ParkingProject : The Kingdom of Rebel @ Pelita Hati. Muid was participating, representing Digital Malaya Project and I’ve been meaning to visit his show. Mom called me the other day, asked me to drive her to JB for a cousin’s wedding. I quickly agreed since :

a. Family always comes first.
b. I love driving. Especially long-distant. And I wouldn’t miss the chance to drive Getzo *sorry ped* the chance seldom comes.
c. I haven’t seen my cousin, Kak In for quite some time. Miss her.
d. It’s my one and only chance to meet Abg Hefni, my long-lost cousin.

So I said “okay mum” while shooting some loony photos, which u can view later at my fLicKr after reading this entry. Its wacky; I nearly freaked my neighbours, passers by, the stray cats and myself too actually. Somebody shouted “Hoiii” when I was creeping out through my window. I was shocked (oh well, maybe the guy was shocked too, I don’t blame him a bit) and nearly fell of the third roof.

Humm.

It was a small ceremony but merry and joyful. Aunts, uncles and cousins gathered, exchanging hugs and kisses and catching up with gossips and stories. I was looking forward to meet my favourite cousin: Abg Oja for some tease and silly jokes. My long-lost cousin Hefni, was there too. He hasn’t changed a lot, still as good-looking as ever. Looking at my cousins, made me think for a second, omg they’re all stunning and clever. A mixture of faces, some are ‘Chinese-looking and some are Caucasian-looking’. (like what my gorgeous aunt, Che’ Nobi would say). One of my cousin, Abg Izat, seriously remind me of Dean Cain. Am I being too much here? But he is, really, minus the great six-pack and bum of course. And his wife looks like a doll. And his little children end up looking like Ken and Barbie.

I was gossiping with Kak In at a corner when suddenly the favourite question of the elderly came up: “When is your turn?” Kak In cleverly run and hid herself leaving me frantically trying to catch a breath. The big question finally came, some questions and issues I’ve been avoiding to answer:

a. How’s your boyfriend doing?
b. I hope to see you next on the bridal dais.
c. How old are you again?

*gasp* teetering, I tried to lean on the wall, trying to stand steadily on my foot. I knew the day would come, for them to ask me the BIG question and since I used to have a boyfriend before (and to make things worse everyone knew my ex and kind of fond of him) I have to confer my beloved aunts and uncles a favourable reply to their query *ehem*

“Ah, I need to use the loo.” was my reply. A lame excuse but a great way to escape!

They called upon my shoulder “Ibahhhhh!!” and I mumbled something like “You know guys, with the new fringe and all…”

Do you believe in ‘institusi perkahwinan”? Marriage is sacred and I believe in it. It’s just that….not now. It won’t happen for the next three years even. Kak In is in good condition lahh…..she’s getting married next year insya Allah, and damn they’ll be asking the same question to me again at Kak In’s wedding. *terrified* Suddenly feel like there’s a spotlight shine over me. Hah. Honestly, I want to get married, to have someone to take care of me and all that. But before it happens, I have to get to know the person I’m going to marry, first. Learning from the past, it is crucial to get to know your partner better. Not just their name and blah blah blah. But is he worth to spend my life with? I would say, if I don’t meet anyone for the next five years, I might not get married for the rest of my life. But heck, who knows with Allah’s blessing someone would send his rombongan peminangan right at my door, this minute, kan? I know, family life has been considered as a very important unit constituting the social structure of a mankind. And getting married is the most significant event of life span between life and death. *gasp* (I can’t believe I’m saying this haha) Shakespeare says, ‘Marriage is a matter of more worth than to be dealt with by attorneyship.’ (omg I even quoted like Azuar haha) If I ever get married, it would be once and for all. I’m not going to let mine dwindling, shaking and tumbling like my past relationships (and no honey I’m not gonna let you marry ‘satu lagi’). If I am ever to marry someone who would:

a- cheat behind my back
b- cheat right in front of me (I’m trying to picture the worst case scenario here)
c- irresponsible
d- can’t even take care of his own self
e- not in love with me
f- or much worse, I don’t love him at all

I’d rather be alone and take care of my nephews and nieces instead. Marriage isn’t about being together with your love ones for the rest of your life, the quality of mutual relationship does not confine in the two alone. It’s beyond that. It must be a successful one for me, I want to have a great family like what my parents had for the past 36 years. For me, at least, my husband-to-be should fit well into my family, loved and be loved by them, since I came from a family with a life-size sign “if you want to marry our daughter, you have to make us love you and you love us” on the door. Hah. We are so close together so it is important to find someone who can put up with a big family like mine. He has to take over my late father’s place, taking care of me, so yeah he should be as loving as my beloved ayah.

*saya sudah kehilangan ayah, tentu Allah akan beri pengganti *wink* insya Allah. Amin.

I got sms early this morning, from my first love, my sweetheart in high school; Joehar:

Joe: Where r u?
Ibah: Home. Lazying ard.
Joe: Not going out today? U shud go out more often, ibah. Go get a date.
Ibah: Nahh..tired of the dating life. What abt u?
Joe: What abt me?
Ibah: I think maybe u should go get a date too. Some hot chic to flirt with, with your looks and car and jobs, it would be much easier,kan? Dating life isn’t that bad. Its just me getting tired of it. I’m too old for that, I think haha (at this point I just realized I have trouble keeping my sms short)
Joe: Ibah, u forgot sumthg.
Ibah: What?
Joe: I’m getting married soon.

Gosh. How can I forget? Damn, even my first crush, my first date, my first boyfriend, my first love, is getting married. And to make my life more tragic, his house is situated right in front of my house where i can see everything clearly just by peeking through my window. I wonder how it would feels.

Well, happy birthday, Joe. I even forgot your birthday. (now I know the reason why you sms me you silly ninny you). I should get the reminder thing-y in my hand phone checked. Pfft.



.tragic ib.

Living my life pathetically happy.
__Ib